Cat Got Your Toe?

cat hat

This is not a pretty story and it ain’t for the faint of heart, or foot. I probably shouldn’t tell it to anybody and instead take this shame to my grave.

Let’s just keep it between us, okay?

This morning, our neighbor’s handsome and dignified male cat, Humphrey Bogart Kitty, innocently came over to visit us.

It’s like having a part time pet without that messy cat box crap and silly feeding hassles.

We love cats and used to have a super weird one named The Smoose, a rescue from the alley who we fell deeply in love with.

Smoose passed away into Kitty Cat Heaven a few months after I had my baby, and we haven’t taken on a new pet since. Humphrey was just perfect, for right now, well, up until The Toe Incident.

Humph surprised me by walking into my sunlit bedroom, unannounced, just after I got my kiddo off to summer day camp- our back door was open.

Sometimes Humphrey shows up when I’m busy doing some important bizness, but this time I had a moment, so I sunk to the floor to give him a good stroke.

Humphrey purred and stretched out his luxurious gray fur, delighting in my stroking of his back and white tummy.

“What a good person I am,” I thought, “so kind to God’s little creatures.”

I felt Humph was satisfied with the petting and tried to stand up, but I was in an awkward position where my bare feet were kinda scrunched under me on the hardwood floor.

Just as I tried to right myself and straighten my foot, Humphrey stretched and curved his body, his butt pushing way too close to my foot and toes.

Suddenly, in horror, we both realized that my long middle toe, which I’ve been told is a sign of intelligence, connected directly and not so subtly with the cat’s B-hole.

That’s right, I accidentally anally violated a kitty cat with my toe.

To be clear, I am not into cat anal sex in general, and I wouldn’t even consider sticking my toe into any human cavities, capice?

I’m just not sexually attracted to pussy.

The world went into slow motion.

I gasped, my eyebrows raised in shock and I extracted my toe as quickly as possible, as Humphrey went “RAWHR!” and padded away, in disgusted haste.

In cat language, Rawhr means “What the hell are you doing, sicko? This isn’t the alien mother ship or cat prison. I’m not into that foot fetish shizz.”

I managed to stand up and shamefully run after Humph, yelling pitifully, “I’m sorry! It was an accident!”

It’s difficult to have less dignity than when you have just toe violated a cat and you’re trying to apologize, and you don’t even speak cat language in order to properly do so.

I think he understood from my tone and Humph stayed for another half an hour after that in my office, possibly because he was waiting for his B-hole to stop throbbing, or because he loves me.

I don’t know, I’m an accidental feline predator, not a pet psychic.

Humphrey, we will never speak of this again.

xo-

~ h

 

 

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10 Things I Learned at BlogHer’14

heidi ferrer johanna stein

1.) Write bravely.

There have been times when I know I’ve blogged bravely, and sometimes I question and doubt myself.

“Maybe that’s being Debbie Downer, people probably come here for a little light entertainment and recipes.”

Hearing other bloggers speak their words, bleeding their heartfelt truth on the stage at the BlogHer Voices of the Year ’14 reminded me that what I admire in others is writing courageously and bearing your broken pieces.

Broken pieces radiate sunlight as they tumble to the ground.

2.) Be your goofy self, because that’s the essence of your joyful spirit.

This blogger Awesomely Luvvie reminded me of that by being her own delightfully cool, silly self when she went onstage after Kerry Washington.

3.) I’m not for everybody – The Bloggess Jenny Lawson said that you don’t have to appeal to everyone, nor will you…being fantabulous you is enough.

Success is partly luck, writing success is mercurial and it’s not an exact science, but hard work, passion and persistence will take you a long way.

I do the footwork and the results are up to God.

4.) Fear will try to make you its bitch. It creeps in. It’s trying to shove you into a box.

We all get hurt and burned in life and experience disappointment. It becomes kinda HOT WATER BURN BABY.

Fear is not your friend, unless it’s protecting you from some real and present danger.

5.) If not now, when? Don’t have regrets. It’s not too late for you, for me.

Now is the time. Continue reading

Posted in Blogging, Fumbling Towards Ecstacy | 2 Comments

Literally Everything Else From the 90′s

This faux movie trailer, “Literally Everything Else From Your Childhood: The Movie” by Wil Wheaton shows so many things I remember, even though I was not a child in the 90s.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m a child now. Every decade applies to my arrested development.

Just got back from BlogHer’14 tonight and so much to tell you. XOXO ~ h

Posted in A Giggle, Nostalgia, Pop Culture, Video | Leave a comment

Johanna Stein and BlogHer ’14!

johanna stein

Hey, I got sooo lucky, BlogHer ’14 gave me the gift of a very fabulous and funny co-speaker, Ms. Johanna Stein, in our session at the conference this Saturday, July 26th on Publishing- Taking it To The Limit- Screenplay Writing  (11am to 12:15.)

Arianna Huffington is our “opening act” earlier that day, ha ha.

But seriously, Johanna (pronounced like Jo-Anna, the H is silent) is kind of a Tina Fey type, lovely and funny and bright and kind.

I think I’m cyber stalking her at this point, and I seriously want her bed in the above photo. Adorable child, too, but you can’t steal those. Then you have to take care of them and who has the time?

You will simply love JoJo, as I now call her. In my mind. I hope I’m scaring her, now…

child on a plane

She just got a very funny book on motherhood published, check it out here: How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane

One essay involves using the puke bag on a plane as a puppet and something horrifying happens…

Who ever said motherhood is glamorous?

And psst, the word on the street is, she’s giving out free book copies after our session, and maybe some meth brownies too, I don’t know…pass it on.

I’m sure I will be a tad nervous before speaking, but who doesn’t love a twitchy eye? And, hey, this is subject matter I have a lot of life experience in. Blood, sweat and tears and an actual Writer’s Guild pension for when I’m old (tomorrow!)

We’re speaking about screenwriting, publishing a book via a traditional publisher (That’s Johanna), writing for TV and also creating original web series…

Johanna did an awesome one for Yahoo, sponsored by Procter and Gamble, where she wore many hats, including writer, producer and performer.

She may have directed it too, listen, I can’t keep up with this mother effin’ lady. Check it out here on her website video section: Life of Mom.

We’ll both talk for a wee bit Saturday, and show some very brief video clips of our produced stuff, then answer any and all burning questions about The Biz.

We’re focusing on fun and practical advice and real talk about how to break into show business as a paid writer, or do original stuff you produce yourself like a web series, or get a book published, the marketing and all the sparkly shizz in between.

Plus, making bank from your creativity outside your blog, yo.

Our session is one hour and 15 minutes, and gurl, we can fill that in a  snap. We got together here in L.A. a few weeks ago for two hours, and could’ve talked all day.

Yesterday, we spoke for over an hour on the phone, I can hardly stay on the phone with anybody that long, so that is high praise from me on her coolness. Not that she needs my approval.

For my part, I will be road tripping to San Jose with the fam, huzzband and child in tow.

Come say howdy to me if you’re there!

*And by the way, don’t worry about what you wear or how much you weigh, everyone is worried about something and no one really cares, not even if you have a giant boil on your face or 1,ooo zits or WHATEVER, I swear I’m worried about the exact same things and I will think you are just gorgeous and PERFECT, just the way you are!*

Love love love ya, and I mean it,

~ H

Posted in Blogging, Books, Screenwriting, Showbiz | Leave a comment

Skinny Zucchini Cheese Pancakes!

skinny zucchini cheese pancakes

This recipe was inspired by my Mom, who made me some fancy, savory zucchini pancakes when I visited her recently in Louisiana.

However, I made up my own version, with less work and fewer calories, and they came out so delicious!

These are similar to potato pancakes or latkes, high protein, nutritious and lovely. Vegetarian, too.

A light meal or a filling, hearty snack.

Ingredients:

1.) One small zucchini, grated with a regular cheese grater- about one cup, grated.

2.) One whole large egg, lightly beaten.

3.) Two tablespoons bread crumbs, I used seasoned whole wheat bread crumbs by 4C brand.

4.) One ounce fat free feta cheese crumbles.

5.) One ounce shredded mozzarella cheese.

6.) Two tablespoons chopped green onion.

7.) Salt and pepper to taste, just a shake of each. I used garlic salt.

8.) One teaspoon of butter or olive oil. I used salted butter.

Directions:

Just wash and grate the zucchini. Put all ingredients in a bowl (beat the egg lightly first) and mix well.

Put the butter or oil in a large nonstick frying pan and heat over medium.

Spoon about one fourth cup of the mixture (4 pancakes total, you could do five or six smaller ones, if you prefer.)

Press down to make them thin and shape them as you like.

Brown lightly on both sides, flipping carefully with a spatula, until they’re cooked through.

Serve, maybe with a little nonfat or lowfat plain Greek yogurt or light sour cream!

My Mama served hers with sliced tomatoes on the side.

Calories: This whole batch, as pictured, is about 300 calories, or about 75 calories a pancake.

Weight Watcher’s Points: I calculate about 8 points for the whole batch. Maybe 9 at the most.

Yummy!

Enjoy and hop over and “Like” Skinny Mama Meals on Facebook for more recipes and weight loss inspiration.

XOXO-

~ Heidi

Posted in Recipe, Skinny Mama Meals | Leave a comment

Clothes Whores

lips flower

Yesterday, with no small amount of shame, I watched my bedroom dresser collapse, due to the massive weight of the amount of clothing piles I’ve tried to shove in its aching drawers.

Almost all of the drawers broke off of their hinges and ripped from the inner wood. So, yeah.

After calling a handyman to come this morning, I pullled all of my clothes from the drawers, so Jorge he could work on it without suffocating under the pile of my conspicuous material consumption.

I filled 6 giant black lawn bags with these items, then when Jorge left, I forced myself to pour it all out on the bed and with haste, I put it into new piles:

1.) Shit I never want to see again, things with bad memories and karma.

2.) Random crap like single long black satin gloves and tan fishnet stockings, that I thought I should save for 20 years just in case. Continue reading

Posted in A Giggle, Fumbling Towards Ecstacy, Shame Attack | Leave a comment

Skinny Cucumber Feta Salsa Snack!

skinny cucumber feta salsa snack

Hello! This is one of my weird foods, an easy, no guilt, healthy, low calorie snack you can enjoy anytime.

Even late at night, right before bed when you (I) get the munchies.

I cut up one small, seedless cucumber and put it in a lil bowl with a lot of salsa, about four tablespoons.

I buy the mild kind of fresh salsa in the refrigerated section of the grocery store, and add hot sauce when I feel like having it spicier.

That way, I have options, man.

The jarred kind would work fine, too. I add about one ounce of fat free feta cheese crumbles, and sometimes I stop there.

Lately, though, my kiddo has been eating a lot organic corn tortilla chips with salsa.

They’re only 10 calories a chip, and I have about five chips in my snack. I don’t like the baked kind, too dry for me.

I crunch the chips all up and mix it around and eat it with a spoon!

Crunchy, high fiber, salty, tasty.

Calories: About 91 calories without the chips, only 141 with five chips.

I need all the tricks I can get, because Girl to Mom is a hearty eater. :-)

XOXO-

~ h

Posted in Skinny Mama Meals, Skinny Mama Snacks | Leave a comment