This is not a pretty story and it ain’t for the faint of heart, or foot. I probably shouldn’t tell it to anybody and instead take this shame to my grave.
Let’s just keep it between us, okay?
This morning, our neighbor’s handsome and dignified male cat, Humphrey Bogart Kitty, innocently came over to visit us.
It’s like having a part time pet without that messy cat box crap and silly feeding hassles.
We love cats and used to have a super weird one named The Smoose, a rescue from the alley who we fell deeply in love with.
Smoose passed away into Kitty Cat Heaven a few months after I had my baby, and we haven’t taken on a new pet since. Humphrey was just perfect, for right now, well, up until The Toe Incident.
Humph surprised me by walking into my sunlit bedroom, unannounced, just after I got my kiddo off to summer day camp- our back door was open.
Sometimes Humphrey shows up when I’m busy doing some important bizness, but this time I had a moment, so I sunk to the floor to give him a good stroke.
Humphrey purred and stretched out his luxurious gray fur, delighting in my stroking of his back and white tummy.
“What a good person I am,” I thought, “so kind to God’s little creatures.”
I felt Humph was satisfied with the petting and tried to stand up, but I was in an awkward position where my bare feet were kinda scrunched under me on the hardwood floor.
Just as I tried to right myself and straighten my foot, Humphrey stretched and curved his body, his butt pushing way too close to my foot and toes.
Suddenly, in horror, we both realized that my long middle toe, which I’ve been told is a sign of intelligence, connected directly and not so subtly with the cat’s B-hole.
That’s right, I accidentally anally violated a kitty cat with my toe.
To be clear, I am not into cat anal sex in general, and I wouldn’t even consider sticking my toe into any human cavities, capice?
I’m just not sexually attracted to pussy.
The world went into slow motion.
I gasped, my eyebrows raised in shock and I extracted my toe as quickly as possible, as Humphrey went “RAWHR!” and padded away, in disgusted haste.
In cat language, Rawhr means “What the hell are you doing, sicko? This isn’t the alien mother ship or cat prison. I’m not into that foot fetish shizz.”
I managed to stand up and shamefully run after Humph, yelling pitifully, “I’m sorry! It was an accident!”
It’s difficult to have less dignity than when you have just toe violated a cat and you’re trying to apologize, and you don’t even speak cat language in order to properly do so.
I think he understood from my tone and Humph stayed for another half an hour after that in my office, possibly because he was waiting for his B-hole to stop throbbing, or because he loves me.
I don’t know, I’m an accidental feline predator, not a pet psychic.
Humphrey, we will never speak of this again.