Halloween Jokes For Adults

Hey! I haven’t put up a video in a little while, so here are two silly Halloween jokes for grown-ups.

Both have a lil sex humor and the second one has some nun humor in it, so skip that one if you don’t want to hear any jokes about sisters.

I’m wearing part of my Wonder Woman costume from last year to be festive and ridiculous, but I’m not wearing the dark wig, because it makes me look like an unpretty drag queen, no offense to drag queens, who can be quite lovely.

Why can’t ghost couples have ghost babies? Because the dads have hollow weenies.

I’ll stop.

Happy Halloween!

xo-

~ h

Posted in A Giggle, Holiday-rrific!, Video, Vlog | Leave a comment

Halloween Mommy Mistake

one man show

I’ve been a little distracted lately. I think last year Halloween was on a Thursday, wasn’t it? Or the year before?

Let’s just say it was. Don’t Google it.

This morning, we got all excited and I got my boy Bex dressed up in his Halloween costume for the annual school kid’s costume parade. We enjoy it every year.

My son has inherited my love of costumes, in fact, he comes by it honestly, since I was wearing a slutty cave woman costume when I met his father at a costume party on October 30th, 1992.

Let’s just say it had the intended effect. Continue reading

Posted in A Giggle, Bexon, Mommy Mistake, Mommyhood, Oops, Parenthood | Leave a comment

DIY Jellyfish Costume- Part Two

jellyfish costume umbrella

Hey! Halloween is two days away, so I figured I better tell ya what you need to make a DIY (do it yourself) jellyfish costume if anyone else wants to try it.

The main thing you’ll need is a clear umbrella. I got mine on Amazon with two day shipping here: Totes clear umbrella.

I’m going to wear a lavender wig and go as Anime character Princess Jellyfish as I mentioned in Part One here.

This costume is pretty inexpensive and easy to make, it took me about 20 minutes.

All you need is:

1.) The clear umbrella, preferably dome shaped.

2.) A white outfit of any kind, or silver, or light pastel colors, or any combination.

I think I’ll wear a white skirt, a white top and a thin white trench coat, as it’s cold trick or treating at night with my kiddo. Maybe a white or silver scarf, too.

3.) Strong clear tape like clear packing tape.

4.) Things to stream off of the jellyfish as tentacles like ribbon, etc.

I went to the craft store and bought large bubble wrap that I cut into long strips, white and iridescent ribbon, one with more glitter and one that was wired on the ribbon sides, and white shimmery, thin tubing.

You can cut it as long as you like. I opened the umbrella and taped it on the inside of the bottom plastic with the clear packing tape.

The thin tubing, I just tied it inside the umbrella spokes on the top (the umbrella still closes.)

I went with a white, iridescent  theme, but you can be a green or blue jellyfish, or mix it up, whatever ya like.

5.) Lots of glow bracelets and necklaces in whatever colors you want.

I wrapped four glow bracelets around the top inside spokes of the umbrella to demonstrate here, but on the night of, I’m gonna use a ton of them to really light it up in the dark.

I may even wear some around my neck and wrists.

So that’s it! Wig or crazy make-up optional.

I’ll show you my finished product later this week. It should look something like this:

costume

Fun!

Love ya,

~ H

Posted in DIY, Fumbling Towards Ecstacy, Holiday-rrific! | Leave a comment

My Bod, Myself

lily girl to mom

I believe women have to take care of our bodies, especially in times of stress, and that healthy food, good sleep and exercise are the best medicine.

Here are some of my personal body milestones, so far:

1.) My first period, age 11.

I was jumping around with my sisters and felt a hot rush of liquid in my underwear.

No pain the first time, just shock at seeing red blood in the bathroom.

I had already lied to the girls in 6th grade that I had gotten it before I did, for bragging rights.

I said that I was out with my family at a play and the red soaked through white jeans as onlookers gasped.

I’ve always been a little bit dramatic. Continue reading

Posted in Health is Wealth | Leave a comment

Momhead Video

Hey! Last night we got to have dinner with my very fabulous and funny friend Johanna Stein and her family. It was super fun.

Our kids, her daughter and my son are the same age and both love Minecraft. They’re married, now.

Remember when I got to do a little talk at the big BlogHer conference this year? Johanna was my co-speaker and things have gotten wacky with her career since then, in the best way.

Her hilarious video I’m sharing above has over 2.5 million views on YouTube already and counting.

She had already had her book published, it’s laugh out loud funny, but since then, it sold to be a TV pilot that is being produced by Will Arnett.

I’m so happy for her and she is the nicest, most humble person ever. Yay for the good guys!

Check out Johanna’s video, her adorable daughter is in it, too, and you should probably buy her brilliant book, How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane here.

XOXO-

~ Heidi

Posted in A Giggle, Video | Leave a comment

I’m Internet Dating Houses

ferrer sign

(Photo credit: My dear friend Renée P. took this in Italy- it’s my last name, but not my house.)

I’m online dating houses to move into in Los Angeles with my family. It’s pretty funny, well it would be if there were no stress.

It feels similar to online dating for love, sex, companionship and hopefully a feeling of being home someday.

Just like regular dating, the photos you first see of the house are often not what the house really looks like in person.

Sometimes you meet the perfect guy (house) and you feel so hopeful, until you realize the house has a fatal flaw or some reason it would never work.

I’m trying to look at it as exciting! Every day a new adventure! But it’s very bizarre.

One three bedroom two bathroom townhouse rental we went to look at, in a great school district, was being shown by a young male real estate agent.

Let’s call him Douchey McRealtor.

We show up at 10:30 am on a weekday morning, our appointed time, to view the property. It’s supposed to be a one year lease that is about $4,000 per month.

As my husband and I park our car on the street, we see a woman standing in front of the house. We park, smile and approach her, thinking she must be working with the real estate company.

No, she’s there to see the house to rent, too.

Oh.

This is a little awkward, but not as awkward as when six other people arrive. We’re all standing there when D. McRealtor drives up late.

It’s some kind of a gang viewing, and no one was told. Douchey treats us like cattle and does not introduce himself to any of us personally.

Instead, he announces loudly that he will show the place now to anyone looking to lease. It turns out that two of the elderly women there are looking to buy this property, as part of the entire house.

In other words, we’re being shown a rental that might sell right out from under us while we live there.

On we go into the back part of the house, up the stairs to the townhouse.

The first thing we see upon entering the abode is a possibly dead human being, a young girl in her late teens or early 20′s, out cold on the couch.

Her arms and legs are splayed akimbo. Continue reading

Posted in A Giggle, Crazy Story, Fumbling Towards Ecstacy, WTF? | 2 Comments

Monster Collage

monster collage

A fun thing I get to do at my son’s awesome elementary school is volunteer in parent led art classes.

It was my turn to bring in a 2nd grade project idea, and this being October, I knew the kids had already painted pumpkins in a patch, done colorful Fall leaves with oil pastels and had cute bats coming up next week.

We don’t say Halloween in class because some kids don’t celebrate the holiday due to religious beliefs, but I knew that kids love to build things like robots- why not build their own fun monsters?

They could be scary or cute or both.

Collage: A piece of art made by sticking various different materials such as photographs and pieces of paper or fabric onto a backing.

What’s great about this project is that it’s open ended for individual creativity and the materials are not that messy or expensive.

All you need is different colored construction paper, glue sticks or regular glue, and some googley eyes (optional.)

bird poo googly eyes

Here’s a fun fact: Anything with googley eyes looks like a character. Even bird poo.

I also let them use their crayons if they wanted and just encouraged them to tear some of the paper (partly just because tearing paper is fun and partly for a rough edged home made look.)

They could also use round edged scissors if they so desired.

Their eyes lit up at the idea. I always like to remind them that everyone gets an A in art, they can’t do it wrong.

They had a blast and no two monsters came out alike. Some had one eye, some had six eyes, some had eyeglasses, some had wings!

Here’s to taking power and control over our own monsters, we’re stronger than they are and they’re usually imaginary anyway.

Fear feels 1,000 miles high and 1,000 miles wide, but if you prick it with a tiny pin, poof! It disappears.

False evidence appearing real, indeed.

XOXO-

~ h

Posted in Art, Funny Kid's Pictures, Kid's Activities | Leave a comment