Boys Have Penises

My cutie wearing Mommy’s sunglasses.

Boys have penises. Apparently. You heard it here, first.

I don’t know if this is exactly gonna be a newsflash for anybody, but I have a boy child and I’m here to tell you it’s true. I’m practically a scientist in my vast knowledge of the human anatomy. You’re welcome.

This my-son-having-a-penis situation creates all kinds of slightly awkward parenting moments for a Mom like me who didn’t grow up with any brothers. Or with a penis of her own.

For example, early on, my kiddo didn’t know what the pee flap thingy was in the front of his underwear. I called it a “Penis Pocket,” on the fly, not considering whether or not he would start loudly discussing his penis pocket in preschool. Earlier this week, Bex, now age 5, went to the potty and was able to go #1 (pee) and not #2 (poop).

He then announced proudly: “MY BUTT IS IN TROUBLE, IT WAS EMPTY OF POOP, BUT MY PENIS DID A GOOD JOB. GOOD JOB, PENIS!”

I had to laugh, but I hope he’s not going around praising his penis too much in public. Save that for when it wins a Nobel Prize, am I right?

And then there is the little matter of night time err, erections. Parents, are we not supposed to talk about this? Bex wears a night time only scoliosis brace now and he still needs a “big boy” pull up at night.

I often end up putting this on after he’s fallen asleep on the couch with me watching TV or reading a book. I carry him into his own room and when I change his Thomas the Train underwear and put on the pull-up, it always surprises me, every time. I mean, I’d love to be a Grandma someday and I’m glad the equipment is working and all…

And I’m sure that’s just his body’s natural way of staying healthy for when he’s older and ready to err, procreate the species.

What’s so innocent about little boys, among other things, is that they have no idea how important their penis is probably, very likely, in fact, gonna be to them later in life.

But still, I just don’t need to really see that, as his mother. I avoid touching it, but sort of have to decide which way to put it in the pull up. Down? Up?

I usually go with up, resting it against his body flat. That’s just the way I roll. Then I run away and pretend I saw nothing!

It’s complicated, how do I explain why Mommy doesn’t have a penis? And is is okay to use the word boob? Like if my son accidentally hits me there, I sort of automatically say “Ow! Please don’t hit me in the boobs!”

Maybe I should say breasts, but that sounds even worse to me. I don’t know what other boobie terms other moms bandy about. Chest, I guess is the way to go. It’s just not very descriptive.

I recently read a blog on The Huffington Post where a mom’s kid got his penis stuck in his zipper of his footie pajamas, There’s Something About Mary style. Yikes. What was funny was that the little boy had an owie and ended up asking “Mom, can you kiss it?” She was plum dumbfounded on what to say.

I feel her pain, because I kissed my little boy all over his delicious skin when he was a baby, but NEVER on his penis. Cute butt, yes, but not the pee pee. It just seemed…wrong, weird, possibly an area to be avoided.

I don’t know, look, we have to wash it and wipe it and bathe it so…we can’t be THAT modest, but I think we can draw the line somewhere. And personally, I draw it right under the penis pocket.

xoxo-

~ H