Hellloooo children and Hidee-Ho! Mr. Happyballs the Clown here, guest posting for my Mistress Heidi, who has her hand up my butt, as usual.
Who are you calling a puppet?! Oh, sorry, I’m off my meds today…
Here is my jimmy crackin’ advice for married couples or those who are just married in their sweet, fluffy hearts.
1.) Don’t give up your kitten too easily, ladies. Men like a challenge and anybody you meet in a bar will just treat you like rich people treat their maids:
Knock you up in one unsatisfying round on top of a pile of dirty laundry and then lie and say Godfrey the manservant did it.
Don’t fall for it! Get the ring.
2.) People always ask me: “Mr. Balls, should I have sex on the first, third or fifth date?“
The longer you wait, the better. If you two lovebirds have some strong chemistry mojo, maybe the third date, but then you have to still play emotionally hard to get for a while longer.
Men hate needy, just ask me how I feel when John Stamos is standing on my lawn every night, holding a lit candle. I really wish he would stop crying.
3.) “What about grooming your uh, down there?”
If you can’t say vagina, you shouldn’t be having sex in the first place.
The ladies tell me that having a little less fur makes them more sensitive, but the Brazilian bikini wax is from Satan.
Any man who expects his true love to have a muscular Russian gymnast rip out the hairs from her tenderest parts needs to star in “American Psycho: Bald Vaginas Galore.”
The whole movie would just consist of women screaming and then beating this doucheface to death with a frying pan. Hollywood, I’ll write the screenplay, call me.
By the way, only little girls have no hair, so you don’t want that pervert sicko touching you. Run like the wind, my precious!
4.) “How many times a week should my honey and I be knocking boots?”
That depends on both of your libidos, add them together, divide that number by two, then multiply by 16. Subtract one for every child you have or pet with weak kidneys.
5.) “Are sex toys weird?”
Yes and no. Anything painful is beyond me. A vibrating thing made of washable, waterproof silicone never hurt anybody.
Not that I would know, I don’t have a bean. I’m a stuffed clown.
More to come soon, children!
Psssst: Follow my mistress @GirltoMom on Twitter and feel free to friend her on Facebook, she’s under Heidi Ferrer.
-Mr. Happyballs the Clown
P.S. My mistress also just opened a Zazzle online store for T-shirts with me on them, funny baby onesies and other stuff you may need for your sanity.
You can check it out by clicking here: GirltoMomdotcom