I’m gonna have to do a real post tomorrow, because I am having too much fun today with my little sister Sierra (my SEESTER!) and her baby Saffron.

Waking up this morning and hugging her soft, squishy, tender skin kinda makes me want another baby…BAD! My ovaries ache . Somebody stop me.

XOXO-

~ Heidi

I was honored to receive this most beautiful email from Amanda sharing her story. She is so brave! She said it was ok if I share it with you. I relate to a lot of the things she’s going through- and surviving:

Hey Heidi,

You probably don’t know me that well. Or even remember me at all. But I read your blog every day, and your honesty about everything you’re going through really inspires me. (Sometimes even enough to comment, though my social anxiety makes that really difficult!)

I’m a single mom, I was a teen mom, I’m an alcoholic, and now… hurray for anxiety! After High School I tried to go to college, but between my son’s father leaving me, the huge amount of partying I started doing when I had “free” days (days when my son was at his dad’s), and the way that school suddenly seemed not mandatory, I flunked out. Twice.

After getting a DUI and a felony charge (fleeing arrest… I still don’t think driving an extra block and then running into a pole should count as fleeing, but I definitely was being stupid) I was in and out of jail for almost a year. It all culminated in my going to rehab.

Anyway, although I was not immediately sober after rehab, it did teach me some useful things. It took me another couple months to “get it”, and I can’t say that I don’t have a glass of wine or a beer at a cook-out or wedding every so often. But it’s one, and that’s it, unlike before when it could be a whole bottle of vodka and that wasn’t enough. I know it doesn’t count for AA, but it counts as sobriety for me.

I’m back in school now, have been sober for almost 2 years (will be 2 in July), and finally living successfully and happily with my amazing 5 year old. Except. Around November, I got hit with a wave of depression. Nothing new for me, I got out my sun-lamps and Vitamin D and started exercising more… didn’t work.

By January it had turned into crazy social anxiety. I am currently afraid to drive my car, afraid to go into the school building, afraid of storms, terrified of my son being hurt in any way, afraid of large groups of people, and probably a whole bunch of other things I can’t think of right now. Although I know that all these fears are irrational, and I can tell myself all the right counseling things, it’s still become a battle to get up and out of the house each day.

I lost one job (I usually hold down 2 to afford the basics for my small family), I haven’t gone to class in person in months (the professors have been really kind in taping their lectures for me and letting me work with them via computer), I stopped going to church (too many people), and I have lost some friends because I have such a hard time going out in public.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I am working with a doctor and a counselor to get me on the right medications and teach me ways to deal, and otherwise my life is finally going like I want it to! If I could lick this anxiety, everything would be fantastic.

I think if I could feel beautiful for just a day, it might help give me courage to keep fighting. To leave the house each day, instead of hiding behind a computer screen.

I live in a small town in Wisconsin, though, and I don’t have any photographers who have donated picture time – yet. I do have a few friends that I could ask if I was able to get a dress.

I’m also a larger size – 18 or 20. It would probably be hard to find a dress that could make me look beautiful. However, I’m writing this email anyway. I’m being brave, and I hope a dress and a moment of feeling “furiously happy” could help me continue this streak!

~ Amanda

www.woahcecilia2.blogspot.com

Amanda, thank you so much for letting me post this! Nonsense, you will look stunning in your red dress. I’m going shopping with my little sister today to see what we can find- yay!

Love,

~ Heidi

My precious niece Saffron.

Does this baby look like a threat to you?

No? Well, then you’re not my four year old son, Bexon. I have never seen him like this. The baby and my sister Sierra came yesterday from North Carolina to stay with us for four nights, and Bex has been beside himself. It’s like somebody drugged him or threatened his life.

The moment we came to pick him up from school with the baby yesterday afternoon, he got quiet. Bex is not quiet, he is LOUD, excitable, high energy and sometimes bossy! He has been speaking in a nearly inaudible whisper. When the baby cries, he gets very uncomfortable.

I decided to try to break the ice by telling him his Aunt Sierra wanted to take him to the BIG toy store to buy him a present. He was excited about that, but we rode in the car with Bex in his car seat in the back next to baby Saffron (7 months old) in her own infant car seat, for safety of course. We went to get frozen yogurt first, usually a fun outing for my son.

He ate three bites of frozen yogurt and pushed it aside, crushed Oreos and all. He was silent. It was if he was saying “I can’t even enjoy my TREATS with her here!”

In the car, we told him to smile at the baby, as she responds to smiles. His face was so cute trying to fake a painful smile that didn’t look genuine at all! In truth, he was looking at the baby as if she were a bomb that might go off at any moment. Or like a tiny Dementor from Harry Potter who might try to suck his life out.

Bex has always been a very empathetic child, when another child cries even from across the park, he stops to see if they’re okay, always looking very concerned for them. And babies cry! I tried to explain to him that a baby crying doesn’t always mean they’re hurt, they just can’t talk yet and that’s how they express themselves.

I don’t think he gets it. Last night the baby was sleeping inside in the guest bedroom and Bex stayed outside in my office for so long playing his educational games, he fell asleep on his computer keyboard. It was as if he would rather sleep out there than come inside where the alien baby was.

I made a point of explaining that HE is my baby and this baby is not coming to live with us. I figured he must be thinking that she’s gonna take his place? I explained that Aunt Sierra is Saffron’s Mommy and asked him point blank: “Are you scared of the baby?”

“No,” he whispered unconvincingly.

“They are only staying until Saturday,” I told him. He nodded and asked softly, “Three more days?” like he’s counting the minutes!

I can’t help but find it a little bit funny, I’m glad we’re not planning to have any more children. But does anyone have any advice in the meantime while they’re here?

Besides that, I’m still having a lot of fun with my sister, and Saffron is one adorable tiny baby.

I just hope poor Bex survives .

XOXO-

~ Heidi

Exhibit A

I wish this weren’t true, but unfortunately, it is. Today I was looking for a bag in my closet and noticed a folded black bag stuck in my shelves where I keep my purses that I didn’t immediately recognize.

This didn’t throw me too much, I collect a lot of odd bags and sometimes save ones for years- sometimes I give them away or use them for a picnic lunch with Bex or something- like Earth bags.

My sister is also a magazine publisher and she gets free swag and often gives it away, etc., etc…

SO! I unfolded the bag and now I really didn’t recognize it. It had the names of chi chi International cities on one side and 5 star world hotels on the other.

Still no clue. So I look inside…

AHHHHH! A pair of long pink rubber gloves and a pair of dirty panties that are not mine!

Yes, I took out the panties and looked at them. Not my brand, not mine, I’m sure of it. I don’t have any Maidenform.

I am about to post  a picture of the panties, so DO NOT CLICK if you don’t want to see the grossness I saw!

Wait for it…

AHHHHHHH!!!! MY EYES!!! They were stained, and had some black stuff on them! Could it be…mold?! NASTY!!!

Divorces have happened over much less. I haven’t had any female friends stay over lately who could’ve left a bag. We don’t have a maid. My husband said remember when the landlady brought over an architect last week? Well, I left the house, I wasn’t here, but Nick said the architect had a female assistant who was measuring things for him.

Well, I imagine she’s pretty good at measuring things, hmmmm?

I believe Nick, I just don’t think he’s cheating on me what with all the nookie he’s getting at home. It’s not his character at all. The only other thing in the bag was a man’s business card, but I won’t print his name and number here- ha. Not sure if the dude is married and don’t want to ruin his life if he is.

Now what do we do, call our landlady to get the girl’s number and return her moldy panties? Awkward!

xxx-

~ hf

These are the presents my son Bex gave me for Mother’s Day that he made at school (pre-K age 4).

The mason jar is filled with the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies and the handmade little card on it has the recipe. Just add eggs, about a pound of butter and vanilla! Sounds like a present for himself, too.

Of course he painted the outside himself, I think it’s quite jazzy.

The bookmark is a yellow paint print of his own kiddo foot. It reads on the other side: “Every time you read a book, mark it with my little foot!” 

The red handmade card has a crayon picture on the front and some colored sequins glued on the construction paper- do you think the picture is of me? I look pretty green and hairy. The inside of the card is a short interview of Bexon, about things I do for him.

M: Makes me lemonade.

O: Opens the door and gives me some Oreos.

T: Takes me to the zoo.

H: Holds me.

E: Every day she lets me go to the mall and a restaurant. (Note from me: We don’t go to a restaurant every day- ha!)

R: Records my T.V. shows.

My Mom’s the greatest because: “She gets me some water and gives me a radio.”

Hmmmm…We don’t have a radio. Maybe he meant Oreo again! I think I win Mother of the Year for pre-diabetics- *hee*

Last night he gave me a tiny lavender flower he picked from the yard and he said it was a “Mother’s Day flower for you, Mommy.” And when he got tired and fussy, I said “It’s Mother’s Day, don’t you want to be sweet to Mommy? It’s my day.”

Bex replied, upset: “Ok, I get it, it’s not MY day, it’s just YOUR day!”

Ha ha ha ha ha. The best gift is my funny little, sweet huggy boy.

XOXO-

~ Bexon’s Mommy

My sleeping angel.

Mother’s Day seems to come up swiftly every year and I never know what to do for my own Mom. Since I’ve become a Mother myself, of a four year old little boy (almost five) who lights up my world, I’ve learned from the inside that no amount of “thanks you’s” to our mothers could ever be enough.

This year my Mommy (yes, I still sometimes call her Mommy!) came out to California to visit me two weeks ago, so I got to squire her around town and out to an early special celebration lunch. Do I still send her a card, I wondered? Or just make time for a long and meaningful phone call?

Mother’s Day cards can be so very…cheesy. What if Mother’s Day cards were more just…ya know, real? They might say something like:

 
“Dear Mom, I’m sorry I blew out your vagina forty years ago. Here are some flowers!”

Or my son’s might say:

“Dear Mommy, I’m sorry for getting my poopy track butt on your favorite white scarf this week, and you had to smell it to see if it was poop or chocolate. Nothing says Happy Mother’s Day like dried poo on your nose!”

Or mine to my Mom might read:

“Dear Mom, Remember that time I walked in on you and Dad having sex? Well, I forgive you for that mental image as long as you never join Twitter.”

And then there’s the ever popular:

“Dear Mom, I gave you stretch marks, ten extra pounds you never lost, gray hair and an episiotomy. You even get to sneeze when you pee. You expect a present every year, too?”

The truth is, a real Mommy would throw herself in front of a bus for her child or run back into a burning building. That is the kind of love I know my mother had for me and that’s the kind of devotion I feel for my baby today.

There’s just no way to truly thank someone who fed you from INSIDE THEIR BODY and nurtured you and kept you alive even when they were so bone tired themselves, they sorta wished they were dead some nights.

A card is never gonna be enough to express:

“Thank you for bringing me into this world and agreeing to let your heart walk around unprotected outside of your body for the rest of your life.”

Because that’s what motherhood is. The most beautiful, scary and spectacular life sentence to love.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Love,

~ Heidi

P.S. You can follow my completely inappropriate and raunchy Twitter feed @GirltoMom, https://twitter.com/#!/girltomom at your own risk, but not if you’re my Mom.

What a crazy frickin’ week this has been! A week ago, our landlady told us we have to move by July 1st, that she wanted to do some work on the house and move back in. Our lease is up July 1st so that’s her right, but it threw me into a tizzy. Moving drama!

I HATE to move. Moving makes me crazy. I like the process of “culling” and getting rid of things that you only do when you move, a “purge” so to speak, but it also makes me very emotional, which is exactly what I don’t need right now.

We live in a sweet house and have so many memories here of Bex’s early childhood, including being in his body casts for scoliosis. I have painful memories here of all of that, too, and moving will stir the pot up. Holy crap.

I don’t think I can take that right now, but she pushed our hand and we have no choice. So we started looking for a place to live. The other huge factor is that we need to stay in the school district we’re currently in for Bex to stay in the school we want him in, with all of his friends. It’s a top 10 charter school in L.A. and gets very high ratings. He also had to move last year and I don’t want to do that to him again.

It seemed a little insensitive for our landlady to take the house back just a month or 2 before Bex starts Kindergarten here. I mean, the school district is why we took the house in the first place! But what could we do?

As most of you know, I’m in crazy Lexapro withdrawal that feels like it will never end. How to put it? I feel like a stranger in a strange body in a strange land. My “chi” is off. I think I’ve picked up an eating disorder and a Twitter addiction.

All of this combined made me feel so scared and unsafe this week, like the rug was being pulled out from under me. Quicksand. Out of control…

But, we found another house, amazingly, just 8 blocks away, and it’s nice! And the rent is $800.00 less per month than we would be paying here in this house we’re now in. The new house has some drawbacks, like no central air conditioning and no grassy yard for Bex to play sports in, but it’s charming and very liveable.

We made the decision to take the new house. And then yesterday we dropped off a $4,000 cashier’s check to secure it for June 15th. And guess what happened next? Our landlady flip flopped and said we could stay here for another year, and she’d lower the rent!

It was an offer we couldn’t refuse, because while this place is still higher in price, the move would cost us so much that it’s almost a wash.

We didn’t want to make the wrong decision, but since the other place is only a year guaranteed, we decided to stay here. WHEW!

I’m just coming down from all of this and hope I stabilize soon. Going up to stay with my M.I.L. tonight in Ojai for Mother’s Day weekend with my two boys.

Much love to you!!!

XOXO-

~ Heidi

I was honored that Lisa sent me this beautiful, heartfelt email about brave, amazing Ashley. Get a box of tissues:

Hey Lady,

So, Ashley is my sister-in-law of sorts (that being that she is married to my bff’s big brother, who I have known since I was 6) and she is a fighter. The funny thing is, she doesn’t know that she is a fighter, which breaks my heart.

This woman has zero self-esteem. I mean ZERO! In the last few years, she has gone through gastric bypass, and started an exercise regimen. She is now 150lbs, and was well over 300. Not only has she stuck to her gastric restrictions, she has also gotten into healthier living via Veganism (which I don’t even pretend to understand, but yay her) and juicing.

After years of struggling with her body, she was finally able to get pregnant. They found out it was a boy, Jackson Matthew, and their lives seemed to be heading down that yellow brick road. Then, at 20 weeks pregnant, they lost Jackson.

There was no warning. She had spotting just before her scheduled visit. The doctor discovered she had a weak cervix and her placenta had been compromised. Jackson was dead and they had to induce that day to deliver him.

She didn’t have time for the pain meds to kick in and had to feel every sensation of delivering her dead baby. Two weeks later, Ashley nearly bled to death from delivery complications. Since then she has had to endure IV iron treatments to get her levels back to normal so that they can try again. In the middle of all of this, her mother-in-law had to have an emergency hysterectomy due to uterine cancer.

Now, her iron levels are up, and she has the go ahead to start trying for another baby. However, after finally losing the gastric weight, and enduring all the trauma of delivering a dead baby, and having your “happy places” turned into a public display, she has completely lost her mojo.

Still, she is an uplifting soul to others. She always turns to God.

In fact, when she was first trying to conceive, she asked God for a sign. She asked to see a bird when He was ready for her to have a baby. That week, a red bird flew into the dry cleaner as she dropped clothes off. It landed right in front of her (crazy right? I love things like this!) Wow, that looks so long, and I STILL don’t feel like I have expressed how awesome she is.

Please let me know what else I can do to give this girl a magical day of beauty.

~ Lisa

I’m just waiting for Ashley’s address to send her a magic red dress! And Amanda, Beverly and Holly, thank you so much for your emails! I am working on getting dresses for you soon.

Dear Candice, could you possibly send your dress to Holly if I give you her address? She’s a 14.  I can pay you back for the shipping costs!

Love,

~ Heidi

P.S. If you’re new to the Red Dress Movement, see The Bloggess’ original post here.

Hey beauties! I have more fabulous red dresses to share!

Who is in need of a red dress moment or day? Please send me an email to GirltoMom@gmail.com with your name (or the name of someone you nominate), dress size and story in a short version I can share here (roughly around one page or 100-1,000 words) and I will do my best. I have 3-4 dresses waiting right now for the right girl or lady to rock!

See Candice’s photos and post from 2 days ago for inspiration. If you don’t think you are worth it, this message is meant just for you.

With lots of love,

XOXO-

~ Heidi

Joel Stein is my friend in that way that he didn’t know he was my friend until I Internet stalked him. But now we’ve bonded forever. Sort of.

He’s promised to give me a blurb for my first book and I’ve promised not to hurt him if he does, because I think he’s a little bit scared of me.

Better to be feared than loved! Ha. No, seriously, we did get to meet twice in real live person, once when I was included in an interview for Time Magazine about Congress (which I totally lied to get into) and once when Joel granted me an interview for this blog.

I always enjoy his comedic, narcissistic writing style and his persona and on May 15th he has his first book coming out. Here is what the book, “Man Made: A Stupid Quest For Masculinity” is about in Joel’s own words:

“It’s about me freaking out when I found out my wife and I were having a son and realizing I’m ill equipped to raise a boy.

(Camping?! Fighting?! Using a hammer?! Throwing a football and watching professionals throw footballs and trying to figure out whether to be sad or happy about the results of said football throwing?!).

So I try to learn to be a man by doing a 24-hour shift with LA firefighters,
going hunting, rebuilding a house, hitting a baseball with Hall of Famer Shawn Green, watching football with ex-NFL lineman Warren Sapp, getting a day trader to give me $100,000 to trade for a day, joining an Army troop for three days of basic training at Fort Knox where I also fire a tank, and getting into the ring for one round with UFC Hall of Famer Randy Couture.

By going on these adventures, I expect to learn that masculinity is not
defined by the size of my muscles but by the size of my heart. This is not at all
what I learn.

-Joel

P.S. I have a shiny new website. You should check it out if that sort of
thing excites you. It’s at http://www.thejoelstein.com “

Man Made

Well, the net net for me is that I pretty much like anything this dude writes, including his first foray into the world of publishing.

So if this is your cup of tea (or maybe for the man in your life) I don’t think you can really go wrong.

He’s funny and sweet, way, deep deep down, and he loves his family somethin’ fierce.

Joel my friend, I am very happy for you! Congratulations.

Please give your adorable family my love. I hope to God your son turns out more masculine than you

You can pre-order the book here.

XOXO-

~ Heidi

This, to me, is one of the most delicious posts here, EVER!

Below is the email I received from our beautiful friend Candice. It made me #furiously happy and I think it will you, too:

 I jumped for joy when I received my package on my doorstep on Monday afternoon! It felt like a dream! I have never had someone care enough to send me a piece of joy, just to help me to feel better about myself!

I promised you that I would document it on Twitter and that was exactly what I did!

I got ready that morning and felt fancier than ever, so I made sure to throw on the RED lips too!

I went to work, (and had a glorious day) went to the grocery store, twirled around in the park while my buddy, Paige Bickerstaff from Peace Photos, took pictures of me, and even pumped gas in my red dress!

I wanted to make sure that I got as much use out of it as possible.

I wish that I could send everyone just a mere GLIMPSE of the joy that it brought into my life on Wednesday. Some people got it, some people didn’t, but honestly, it was for ME and nobody else so I didn’t let them steal my joy.

That dress has some serious magic in it! (All the way to the bedroom! Totally not kidding) *hee hee*

Thank you for being the thoughtful, kind, wonderfully caring individual that you are, Heidi! Without you, I would still be leading a boring life. You spiced me up, buttercup!

I can’t describe it, but you gave me some courage back. I don’t care what they say, this is about me and my life. It only matters what the people I love think about me. Luckily they love me back.

You are like a Knight in shining armor, but BETTER!

Thank you again. More than you will ever know.

With every good wish, I am

Besides my bad jokes about celebrating Cinco de Mayo yesterday by drinking a fifth of mayonnaise, we happened upon a small celebration of the Mexican holiday at our local health food store. Fun!

They had yummy foods for $1 each and so we dived into an impromptu celebration, of what I guess is sort of a Mexican St. Patrick’s Day? I skipped the Corona

How cute are these sweet young dancers?

In Lexapro withdrawal side effects news, I finally gave in and ate a quarter of a pill on Thursday. I felt awful that day, my bones even ached.

As I joked on my naughty, filthy Twitter account “I licked a Lexapro today. Just the tip!”

Like magic, the next day I felt way better. This whole experience is interesting and scary at the same time. I had no idea how powerful these drugs are.

Basically, I’ve decided to taper down off the Lexapro a little longer than I planned. I think I’ll do a quarter of a pill every other day, then down to a quarter every 3rd day, etc.

I do still really want to get off of it, though. This weight gain is not cool for me and now the bad withdrawals have made me feel it’s evil (for me, anyway).

My little sister Sierra and her new baby Saffron are coming to visit me next week! I can’t wait. I’ll take lots of pictures of sista bonding time.

So, I have been WAY crazy these past two weeks, I hope and pray the worst is over. Adding to the stress and anxiety, our landlady just told us three days ago that she wants the house back. Ahhhh!!!

I don’t know about you, but I always go a little bit nuts when I move. It’s so much work and feels like an emotional upheaval, going through what things to keep and throw away. We’ve been in this sweet house for almost three years, so many memories of Bexon’s medical treatment, casts and beautiful early childhood are here in this back yard!

The first trees he ever climbed, *sniff*

Besides that part, we have to quickly find a new place to live. We got this house because of the school district, and we need to stay in this area for Bex to be able to stay at his very good school with all of his friends.

I started to panic, but fingers crossed, we looked at a rental house yesterday that could be the one. I hope it’s meant to be!

This girl reminded me of a peacock. So lovely.

Much love and have a beautiful Sunday.

XOXO-

~ Heidi

I think books are such a  good gift because they’re relatively inexpensive and the right one can change your life.

You can also take your Mom to lunch and bring the book as a bonus.

In the Fullness of Time has a lush theme of loss and change.

It’s mainly for women over 50 years old, but I know men who are big fans and I love it as well– and I’m like, 20ish- *hee*

Full disclosure, one of the editors and writers of this fabulous essay collection of amazing women is Linda Gravenson, who happens to also be my lovely and talented Mother in Law. But I genuinely love it, I kept it by my bedside for months and re-read my favorite parts.

Nick’s Mom Linda wrote a deeply personal essay in it about her Mother who had Manic Depression. It’s a doozy, trust me.

The book’s full title is: “In the Fullness of Time: 32 Women on Life After 50”

I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me. And I learned a ton about what kind of older woman I want to be. You may want to get it for yourself, too. It’s a perfect book club selection.

The writers include bestselling authors Abigail Thomas (“A Three Dog Life,” “Safekeeping”), Dr. Christiane Northrup (You may know her from “Oprah” and her book “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom”) and Erica Jong (“Fear of Flying”).

Yep, Bex’s Nana has skillz!

(Psst: You can buy it for only $12.00 here on Amazon. Free shipping if you spend 25.)

XOXO-

~ Heidi

My angel.

Just popping in to say “hi”and that I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I definitely have been going through a lot with the Lexapro withdrawal, and the upsetting “situation” I blogged about over the last two days didn’t help that one bit.

I’ve been playing around on silly Twitter from my “sick bed,” but the truth is I’m sooooo tired. I haven’t slept that well for almost two weeks, now. I’m that kind of tired today where your bones hurt, like really bad international jet lag.

I’m over the odd person, er um…yeah, who I had a comedy crush on and I hope (for his sake) that he learned something about how to treat your fans. If he did temporarily get my Twitter account suspended, I dare say he stalked ME! Bizarre.

He can put that in his piper and smoke it with whatever else is in there (I’m not judging) to make him act like he rules the world. Sad.

But what matters is my family and my baby (big boy) Bexon…

My cutie! Faux hawk.

He’s my precious angel and he’s been through so much.

We pray he does not ever walk in on Mommy and Daddy “hugging.” Ha!

This is me with the classic “sex scrunchie” hair.

Thank God my Mom no longer reads my blog.

Anyway, love to you until tomorrow.

By the way, Candice looks like a GODDESS in her red dress pictures.

I’m just dying to share them with you.

Much love,

~Heidi

No, all of Twitter was not down. The rest of my Internet was working just fine from my home. I can only assume that maybe (possibly) someone who thinks they are the KING of Twitter had me investigated!!! If that could possibly be true, what a psycho.

I have no proof, I just got the very same signal one gets when they are BLOCKED when trying to access my very own Twitter account!

Listen, social media is both my love and a huge part part of my career as a writer. The brilliant Bloggess (my hero) would not have sold so many books in advance without her blog and Twitter.

TO BE CLEAR: If Rob Delaney infringes on my rights, I will take that shiz seriously.

Stop acting like you own the world. I am a mother of a child with a serious, potentially fatal health condition and writing is my livelihood. I have done nothing illegal and everything I’ve written is true.

You are picking a fight with the wrong Mama. Crawl back into a hole, I’m here to stay.

My friends: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support.

- H

This is him.

I think I can finally write about this now without crying.

You know how when you find a new thing you like, maybe a band or a dress or a new awesome blog, you can get sort of overly excited about it at first?

I’ll use this as an example: The Pioneer Woman is a super successful blogger. When I first found her blog, I thought it was the TITS, man! It’s wildly impressive and she’s an adorable personality and it’s still great.

But my obsession only lasted a little while, I got Ree’s autograph at a book signing and she was lovely, then it eased off and while I no longer go to her blog every day, I still remember to check it out maybe twice a week. And it’s still awesome, it’s just that I no longer dream of us becoming BFFs forever.

It’s the “life cycle” of finding a new fun thing to be a sort of superfan of. But Ree was so nice and patient with my new excitement, she gets that it happens to fans.

This is pretty normal new fan behavior, right? I joke that I’m a stalker, but I’m not a stalker, the worst thing I did was to tweet “at” this jerk and about him with some jokes on Twitter. A little flirting, yes, but I thought it was innocent. I’m happily married, he’s happily married (I guess? Maybe not. I guess I’m not in their house TO FIND OUT, because I’m NOT STALKING HIM, YOU IDIOTS!)

I thought he got the joke, as he’s a PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN!!!

He tweets about weird sexual stuff on Twitter himself all the time, by the way. It’s not true stuff, it’s all tongue in cheek and everybody who tweets knows that.

In fact, he did get the joke, because in fact he “starred” or “favorited” two of my comedic tweets at him. And then yesterday, when I tweeted that I was going to his free comedy show here in L.A. (which is really just more publicity I’ve given HIM), he BLOCKED ME ON HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT.

Because…why? I was so hurt and heartbroken. My new happy thing just gave me an F.U.

I felt weird and scared. How would he even know who I am? I’m only one of close to 400,000 people who “follow” this jerk on Twitter.

Why would this large hairy man be scared of a girl? I don’t have a police record. I didn’t go to his house and show up on his lawn with a lit candle and a butcher knife! I mean, seriously! I did nothing but tweet. My Twitter persona is a made up character who’s a joking, only tiny part of the real me. So is HIS!

And my tweets were not violent or scary in any way. It’s crazy.

I think his ego has raged out of control, and he’s not even famous yet. Paging Joe Piscapo.

So I am going to rip this asshole Rob a new asshole, because he deserves it. Freedom of speech, I’m sure he’s familiar with the concept! It’s my blog and I’ll cry asshole if I want to.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling so happy and excited that I had a comedy show to go to watch at 6pm. When he “blocked me” I didn’t know what to do. I had joked on Twitter that I’d be “live tweeting” the experience of going to his show because I’d have nothing else to do except cry and pee on the sidewalk. It was a JOKE!

I don’t know if that’s what caused him to do this. So I was really hurt and worried, but decided to go to the show, figuring there may be hundreds of people there and I’d just get lost in the crowd. NOPE! Big time egomaniac had almost no one in line an hour before showtime.

And wait for it: The theater was not even close to full for the show. The couple I was standing in line next to and I chatted and I asked them if they followed him on Twitter. NOPE, THEY HAD NEVER HEARD OF HIM AND WERE THERE FOR ANOTHER SHOW.

I told them they should go on in for his show as long as they’re here, and they did. So I’m filling up his f*cking seats for him!

Nice. The show was ok. Not as funny as I’d hoped. I did some charity laughter. There were dead silences, too.

Hey Rob, I really don’t recommend jokes about having sex with children or finding children sexy AT ALL, capice? Just a little piece of advice from an ex-fan.

YOU. ARE. MEAN.

~hf

If Taylor Swift can write songs about people who’ve been mean to her, I can certainly write a blog about one.

I cried my way home.

Details to come tomorrow. Or today, depending on when you read this.

I just wanted to escape into laughter and instead my heart was crushed into tears : (

-h

These new pictures of Marilyn will be in Vanity Fair! I can't wait. Credit The Huffington Post.

Hey loves! I’m doing SO much better today. I’ve been totally off the Lexapro for about 9 days, now. Yesterday was the worst.

I still cried last night before bed (for no reason) and woke up and cried a little again (for no reason). It seems that when I start crying even a little, it feels like a fountain is welling up in me and bubbles over and I can’t stop it. It’s intense. My body heaves with sadness deep inside.

On the upset, yes I am still a total whore for my husband because going off Lexapro has been like female Viagra for me- the same intensity as the crying, but in the good way. Yay for Nick! If he has to put up with the wild moods swings, he may as well get something good out of it. Poor guy.

But I’m not putting myself down, here, I’m worth it because I’m awesome! And so are you.

On the weight gain side…sigh. I’m super sensitive about it right now. A complete stranger on Twitter made a fat joke that had nothing to do with me and I let him have it. I’m not fat at all, I’m curvy and hot, man. Whatever, I will lose the few extra pounds when my body normalizes off of the drug.

I may be a little touchy about it for awhile, hopefully I won’t commit any more grisly murders…

I did sleep for 6 hours last night- yay! So the insomnia seems a little better. I did have night sweats, though, I woke up and my hair was wet in the back. I also have this sensation sometimes like I’m floating. It’s weird, but ok.

Your comments have helped me so much with this, seriously. I hope other people find this through Google and get something out of it. I have these 2 other prescriptions for Bi-Polar 2 drugs and I’m not taking them, yet. I haven’t told the prescribing doctor…

Pills. They can be dangerous. A woman in my Sober Meetings died Friday night from an overdose of sedative pills and alcohol. She was a Mom, it’s heartbreaking. Please be careful about mixing things. It’s how Marilyn Monroe died, from an overdose of pills. I could have, so many times.

I want to try to wait out this Lex withdrawal business, and now I feel hopeful that maybe it will only last 2 weeks as one of you said. I can take 2 weeks of this if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

One of my family members said they really only had one bad day, and if yesterday was that really bad day for me, I may be on the upswing.

I’m SO excited that the ladies got their red dresses in the mail and love them! I have 3 more lovely red dresses just hanging in my closet right now with tags still on. Lisa, are you out there?

Lisa emailed me Ashley’s Story and I emailed her back to get Ashley’s size, but haven’t heard back from her, yet. I’d love to send a red dress to beautiful, strong Ashley.

Listen you guys, I miss emails sometimes accidentally, I get so many on my feed (plus spam,) so please follow up if you ever don’t hear back from me. I would never not respond to one of you on purpose. Unless you called me fat

Does anyone else badly need a red dress moment? Email me at girltomom@gmail.com!

Love,

~ Heidi

Me and Bexon on the pier- those are huge joke Forrest Gump shoes my feet are in.

Oh crap you guys, the Lexapro withdrawal symptoms are really kicking in bad. I cut down the dosage for three weeks, and now I’ve been completely off it for one week.

The last three days or so I’ve had these odd moments of suddenly bursting into tears for no reason. It’s not PMS, because I’m not at that point in my cycle, I’m in what’s supposed to be my “happy time.”

I cried violently last night (over nothing) and this morning woke up feeling bad, teary and very emotional. Then I cried again. I’ve had night sweats, insomnia, more anxiety than normal, and weird nightmares. So, it’s party over here at my house!

Actually it is sort of is a party on and off in one strange way, these wild mood swings I’m having include what seems to be about 1,000 times more blood flow in my body, which makes me want to have sex with my husband almost all the time.

That’s mostly a good thing, my husband is thrilled, it’s just…different. My vagina wants to go off on her own on an Australian Walkabout without me. I hope she writes.

And by the way, I was not non-sexual on the Lexapro, I didn’t lose my sex drive from it and I still had “O’s.” It’s just now it’s jacked up like I’m a dude or something.

You may not want to know more about the specifics, so I’ll stop there, but you can follow me @GirltoMom at your own risk.

Besides the sadness/crying, I feel a little dizzy and tired, I’m not sleeping well. I’ve had some horrible nightmares which feel different than my usual occasional ones, somehow darker and scarier.

Meanwhile I partially quit the drug to lose the weight gain I’ve had in the past year of being on it. And guess what, the withdrawals are making me eat more. I have moments of feeling starving, especially at night. So I’m gaining from getting off of it. F*ck.

I’m trying not to freak out about that, but it’s upsetting me. Summer is coming and I want to at least look cute and fit into my Summer clothes. I’m thinking about calling Jenny Craig  and joining, I feel desperate. I’ve gained 20 pounds on this drug so far.

(You can’t really tell in the above photo, but trust me.)

I don’t look huge because I’m tall, and I’m trying to celebrate my boobs looking quite spectacular and focus on the positive, but still. It sucks. My pajama pants are even getting tight!!! I can barely pull them up.

These feelings make me want to drink, to be honest. Ok, this is what happening right now, but I did have a beautiful, fun weekend visiting my Mother in Law Linda in beautiful Ojai, California, staying the night and then driving down the Pacific Coast highway by the ocean on a perfect day, down to a very fun child’s birthday party on the Santa Monica Pier. We rode the rides and had mini Oreo cupcakes and it was super fun.

I felt good all day yesterday until last night. Those of you who follow me on Twitter know I use it mostly for raunchy jokes and lies I wouldn’t put here, it’s sort of like I’ve created a character on Twitter who is not really me, but may be a tiny part of me, the wild and crazy “Id” with NO filter.

I’ve been tweeting a ton because it distracts me from the symptoms and makes me laugh, kinda blows off steam, but I guess Twitter could become an addiction in itself.

I’m not worried about that too much right now, but I clearly have a majorly addictive personality!

I feel like what I need to do is exercise, call the doctor and tell her what’s happening (but I’m scared she’ll prescribe me more drugs because that’s what she does), shop for healthy groceries, go to meetings, etc…

I searched online and found chat rooms that said these symptoms are common and last (for some) 4-5 weeks after being completely off of it. I don’t know if I can take 4 more weeks of this.

Bex is fine, he’s awesome. Everything else is going ok. I know it will cheer me up to see you ladies in your red dresses! It will get better, right?

Sorry for the rant. Help.

~ Heidi

I mailed the 3 magic red dresses yesterday, U.S. Priority Mail with delivery confirmation- yay!

Ladies, they are in Coach covers (the light bags that cover their purses) and it would be awesome if  when you send them back (NO rush!) you could put them back in those bags to keep them nice.

If you ruin a dress, I really don’t care. No worries. I didn’t get a chance to put a note in the boxes, so this is the note!

They may be a little crinkly from being in the mail, if so you might want to hang them up in a steamy bathroom to get the wrinkles out.

Have a beautiful day and enjoy!

Love,

~ Heidi

Rob Delaney (he has a beard now, which I love. Daddy Issues.)

I’m good at stalking, I could be a professional at it. I stalked Joel Stein of Time Magazine and now we have dinner every Tuesday.

With Jesus. In my mind.

(Joel is Jewish and that’s why he knows Jesus. Kidding, of course. As a Christian, we win! : )

My stalking talents reap rewards, for example, Internet stalking Joel Stein led me to be interviewed by him for an article in Time where my blog was mentioned, and that helped to get me my fancy N.Y. book agent. I stalked my husband and we’ve been together for 19 years. Stalking works!

Rob Delaney is not famous exactly, I’m gonna Google his name right now and see how many hits come up:

6,580,000, not bad. So maybe he is sorta famous, but not famous enough that I had ever heard of him until I went on Twitter, where he is extremely popular. I began to read Rob’s tweets and even though they can be very raunchy and are perhaps not for everyone, they can also be very, very funny.

Rob has almost 400,000 Twitter followers, which is just slightly more than me.

I’ve developed a recent “Twitter crush” on Rob which will remain in active status for about as long as it takes me to write this essay and then violently turn against him. One of the nice things about being Bipolar 2 is you can always change your mind about your feelings!

Rob is quote unquote “married” to I SUPPOSE a drop dead gorgeous, razor smart woman named Kelly Oxford, who is a successful writer and as you may have guessed, I deeply, deeply resent. And they have an adorable baby that smells great I’m sure and whatever!

Let’s just pretend she doesn’t exist, ‘kay? I honestly don’t know why I have to develop Internet crushes on happily married people. In all of these cases there is one common denominator:

They’re dark haired funny guys who write comedy, and it’s safe flirting. Joel Stein’s wife happens to be gorgeous, too, so I know these men are not going to trip over themselves to run into my arms willy nilly. I’m pretty sure their wives aren’t gonna be threatened by a psycho nutcase with a heart of gold like me.

I mostly just like to joke around with Joel by abusing him and think I might enjoy picking food out of Rob’s beard and feeding it to pigeons.

You might ask me how I would feel if I met their wives, but I would never know, because I would be so horrified I would detonate the bomb I wear strapped at all times under my bra for just such occasions.

Anyway, I have become ADDICTED to Twitter practically overnight, because I’m an attempting-to-recover alcoholic with an addictive personality. One lovely surprise is that the women on Twitter, the unfamous ones (I don’t really follow many famous people) are hilarious! I’m loving their raunchy comedy stuff. It’s a lot of penis and vagina jokes and I adore witty, juvenile humor.

You know I’m not grown up.

But back to my current stalk-ee. Rob seems like a really nice guy. He doesn’t drink since he was in a drunk driving accident where he crashed his car into a building, broke both of his arms and ended up in a wheelchair in jail!

I read a really touching thing he wrote about a terrible depression he went through that he said was so bad, he’d rather go back to jail with two broken arms in a wheelchair than feel like that again.

Well. I’m a sucker for a good backstory and if someone has depression or suicidal tendencies in their family, honey, come sit right next to me!

Y’all know I am obsessed with our friend Jenny Lawson the Bloggess, so I hope she can tell him that I’m harmless and will go to the ends of the earth for you if you interact a little with me and met me lick your stuffed weasel.

Rob's Twitter picture. He's furry.

Hey guys, if you’re on Twitter, would you tweet @robdelaney not to be afraid to do an interview for Girl to Mom? I’ll give you my undying love and appreciation forever.

I went to see Rob perform comedy on a rainy night this week in L.A. by myself, the same day we flew back from our hospital trip for Bexon’s scoliosis. I sat in the front row just like a proper stalker should and stayed up way past my bedtime to see if Rob is funny in person. He is, hilarious.

I’ll go see him again when I can and probably take my husband (who is A MOVIE DIRECTOR ROB who gave Joel McHale a role because I told him to and directed Alec Baldwin, are you better than Alec Baldwin?)–

Sorry, I’m back.

The other comics kinda made me a target with comments about my boobs, which of course I had on display. I’m an attention whore and I’m not stupid. Big time comic Dane Cook was unexpectedly there and he said I had “meth hair” which is not even a THING and I know methheads with awesome hair that is nothing like mine. Rehab, yo.

I thought Dane Cook was frankly kind of a prick when he asked me why I came to the show alone and I tried to tell him because of Twitter and Rob and he kept cutting me off, saying no wonder I was alone because I talk too much!

I was confused by this, because Dane Cook had not even been on the bill, but later realized comedians are competitive and when I started to say Twitter he realized I was going to say another comic’s name while he was on stage and didn’t want that. OHHHHH.

Me and Chris D'Elia of Whitney Cumming's show.

Dan Levy from Chelsea Lately was also there and he was funny and nice and I also liked Chris D’Elia, the male lead of the Whitney TV show.

I didn’t exactly get to meet Rob, but as I pulled into the parking lot, he was actually valeting his car right before me. I recognized him and jumped out of my car, forgetting to put on the parking brake and nearly crashing it.

So, I looked extremely cool! Great first impression. Awesome.

Seriously, people. This is my life. But go see Rob Delaney live if you get a chance to and follow him on Twitter @RobDelaney if you like edgy comedy. He is never racist, a homophobe, or abusive to women and children, that’s where I draw my comedy line and always will.

And I think Rob has a book deal, I can’t wait to review it when it comes out. Meanwhile Joel Stein’s book is coming out soon, I can’t wait to read that, too. Go Joel and thanks for still following me on Twitter (I think). You are a gentleman and a scholar.

Rob, if you’re out there, please consider giving an interview to lil’ old Girl to Mom?

Thank you for letting me stalk you without filing a restraining order. You’re safe with me.

Love,

~ Heidi

P.S. If you follow me on Twitter @GirltoMom, it’s all lies. I’ve been off Lexapro for 4 days, I’m not acting erractically at all, am I? xxx- hf

For Katie.

I can’t tell you how much fun I had shopping for beautiful red dresses for incredible, inspiring women!

This movement was begun by The Traveling Red Dress post of the most fabulous Bloggess, who is on the New York Time’s bestseller list this week, whoo hoo!

This first dress is for Katie. You can read her story here in her own words.

Katie, this is a size 8, I know you are a 7, but many of the dressmakers seem to go straight from 6 to 8 with no 7 in between. As a woman myself, I know sizes can be weird and dresses can run small, so I think this might work. What do you think? I think it’s gorgeous.

The jewel detail.

I love this elegant jewel detail.

Now for your precious strong girl Cierra, I have this formal beauty:

The beading. So pretty!

There is lovely beading at the neck and bodice and it has stretch and swing, so it should be able to fit a size 10 to 12, I would say.

I think it’s dreamy.

There are thin pads and of course it will look more filled out when worn. This is for a young woman who is the star of her own vibrant life!

And for the amazing Candice, I have this flirty beauty:

I see the magic.

It’s a size 16, but this is not the kind with stretch, so if you’re about a 14 this should probably fit, don’t you think?

I can just see you running through the forest or on the farm, kicking up your heels in this and laughing.

What a beautiful sight that would be.

But these dresses are to be worn for anything you want, no rules, this is all about YOU and your moment.

Bold, proud, joyful and free!

I would love to post pictures of you in the dresses with your permission, and I’d also love to hear about your experiences in wearing them.

Wear them more than once, dance, laugh, play. Keep them as long as you like and then we will pass them on to another fabulous, awesome lady to enjoy. If anything happens to them don’t even worry about it. This is stress free fun and comes from love.

“I want to be shocking, and vivid and wear a dress as intensely amazing as the person I so want to be.” ~ Jenny Lawson

So wear it to the grocery store! No apologies. Be outrageous, be whimsical, accessorize them, be sexy, you are worth it.

Be the mysterious lady in the red dress who doesn’t give a flying f*ck what anybody thinks.

If all is well, I will mail these out tomorrow! YAY!!! And I have three more dresses to come…you inspire me.

XOXO-

~ Heidi

My baby in his COOL NEW BRACE! Zebra print with a panda and Thomas the Train on it. He picked it all out himself.

We’re off to the airport so see ya back in L.A.!

XOXO-

~ Heidi