Dangerous Boobs

The Bloggess signed my boobs- yay.

Wow, there was a news story trending yesterday that a woman allegedly smothered her boyfriend with her boobs. Yikes.

Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if he had tried to smother himself between her legs, first? I don’t know, I wasn’t there, that’s just some free advice for the fellas.

In November, German lawyer Tim Schmidt claimed his girlfriend tried to smother him with her 38DD breasts. (Source, The Huffington Post)

I don’t know what he did to her, but I mean, why use your boobs? It seems like you could find a pillow or something, do we have to start regulating boobs as a dangerous weapon? “You give love a bad name…”

Personally, I wouldn’t want my innocent boobs to be associated with any crime, they may have to go undercover because they’re too big to be in the Witness Protection program.

“Stop using sex as a weapon” – who sang that song, Pat Benatar?

Another woman attacked her boyfriend after he asked if she remembered to bring “Pam” in to the bedroom. He meant the cooking oil spray Pam, but his lady Barbara thought he meant his former lover named Pam- GAH! She allegedly chucked the can of Pam at the man’s head and was arrested for domestic battery.

“Why does our sex oil have to be named after that whore?” I imagine her tearfully exclaiming. If you’re jealous of a girl named Pam, for God’s sake, use Vaseline. Unless he had a lover named Vaseline, in which case, I give up.

I hope he didn’t also have former lovers named Crisco or Kay-Y– awkward! Come to think of it, Popeye the Sailor would’ve had real problems with a girlfriend named Olive Oil. Especially if she was not an extra virgin- ba-dum-bum!

Another creepy real life sex case involved a couple called Mindi and David who were having a fun-filled Wednesday night of injecting prescription drugs and having a three-way with a female friend. Well, that’s just a typical Wednesday night for me, you?

It all went wrong when Mindi fell asleep and woke up to find her boyfriend having sex with her friend WITHOUT HER!

Apparently, death threats were made, guns were fired and the night ended with a SWAT team surrounding the house. Well, who hasn’t had a SWAT team show up for their three-way, I mean, right? If you don’t get a SWAT team, you’re not doing sex right.

Women have also been arrested for attacking their boyfriend for climaxing before her. Hmm, let that be a lesson to you men out there, don’t be selfish. Wasn’t there a James Bond movie where the lady villain tried to strangle a man with a vise grip between her strong thighs?

You would think a man would try to err…choke a woman during a particular popular sex act I can think of, but then again, she does have her teeth down there. That’s an act of trust, for sure, man. Maybe that’s why they say some married people stop doing it?

Some guys joke the piece of wedding cake is the last time he’ll ever shove something in her mouth. Don’t blame the messenger.

Between our face smothering boobs and our canine teeth, women appear to have a lot of power in the bedroom, and that’s not even including the most dangerous and apparently addictive draw of all, may I present Exhibit “A” your Honor, the almighty vagina.

Girls, your sexuality is powerful, but please use your power for good, not evil, K-Y?

XOXO- H

~ by Heidi Ferrer