I’d love to know what you think about these tips and I’ll give you my real opinion after each one (psst: these tips are from a man):
“STEP 1: Learn the Art of Eye Contact
Don’t shy away from staring him down, but do it the right way. Ease into it by practicing triangular gazing, where you look at one eye, then the other, then at their mouth.
Strauss says practicing this for just a day will get you ready to start learning to interact with guys you’re attracted to.
Once you’ve locked eyes, keep looking: one study showed that it takes about thirteen glances before the average guy approaches a woman!”
From me: Oh dear lord, triangular gazing? Who’s making this shizz up? Why not look from one eye to the other to his penis?
This is ridiculous. Next!
“STEP 2: Practice Small Talk
Before you approach a guy you’re into, make sure you’ve got the basics of small talk down.
‘Challenge yourself to go out and make small talk with five strangers today,’ advises Strauss. ‘Don’t worry about whether they’re people you want to date. Approach grandfathers, other women, someone who’s not your type, whomever you come across. It’ll help you adjust to stepping out of your comfort zone.’”
Eye roll. Approach grandfathers?! No. Just no. First of all, the grandfathers may hit on you, trust me.
If you approach people who aren’t your type, you’ll have guys who aren’t your type hitting on you. I think this is called “basic conversation and human interaction.” Moronic flirting advice. Moving on…this next one is the funniest:
“STEP 3: Perfect Your Body Language
Want to get under his skin? ‘Get just a centimeter into a guy’s comfort zone, and look up at him with big eyes,’ says Strauss. The no fail move? ‘Put your chest out, chin down, eyes high in the socket, head slightly tilted, and your weight on one foot. That’s important. If your feet are planted, they feel the resistance, just as much as they would if you had your arms crossed.’
Practice makes perfect–you might look like a cross-eyed chicken at first, but get it down right and it’ll make him crazy.”
A cross eyed chicken indeed! Oh my God, this one is hilarious. Try doing this position, especially with the bugged out eyes, and try not to laugh.
Congratulations, you look like a psychotic, crazy stalker. That’ll get under his skin, alright.
“STEP 4: Don’t Think Before You Speak
Don’t think too long before you open your mouth–it’ll come off unnatural and awkward. ‘People sense it when something sounds too pre-meditated; that makes them uncomfortable,’ Strauss says.”
Yeah, don’t think at all, actually girls. Try a lobotomy before you go out to the bar!
I’m skipping Steps 5 through 9, because this, in my humble opinion, is nonsense.
Be yourself. That’s it. Love should feel like home.
Of course you’ll feel nervous and excited in the beginning of dating, but eventually, assuming there’s mutual attraction, you should feel safe, you should be able to breathe, you should feel loved and adored and gotten.
If not, you are in the wrong relationship. That doesn’t mean love is easy, communication is key, you have to work on it, but it should mostly feel like home.
Love is not constant drama and game playing and it’s certainly not violence. It’s the safest place you should ever feel.
If you’re a woman and the guy is attracted to you, you don’t need to contort yourself into any strange positions, (unless you want to later with him, in bed.)
Because newsflash: men pretty much want to have sex ALL OF THE TIME. And you have a VAGINA.
If he’s not attracted to you, there is no amount of flirting advice or eye contact or body contortions that will change that. You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, or his square peg into your hole. Ahem.
If a man needs you to contort yourself or act fake or make eye contact 13 times, he’s an idiot douche who’s playing games and he doesn’t deserve your awesome.