I kind of want a cat. This is Humphrey, our neighbor’s cat, who visits us sometimes. By the way, this is an early morning picture of us with Mommy- me- with unbrushed bedhead hair and no make up on.
Not my best look, I’m sorry you had to witness that.
While I do kinda want a kitten, we were traumatized by losing our last pet, our alley rescue cat The Smoose, she had bad health problems at the end and it was really sad. She was incontinent when Bex was a newborn baby, it wasn’t pretty- for her or for us.
Also, I don’t know if I’m responsible enough to have both a kid and a pet right now. I’m afraid it’s selfish because I just want a cute little funny thing to love, but pets are a big commitment. Years and years. They can have fleas and stuff. They need to be taken to the vet. And fed. You have to really think it through. I know this, so I’m trying to look before I leap. It’s not just about putting sparkly party hats on their head and dressing them up in bee costumes and taking funny pictures.
Although that part is awesome.
I think I’m having an identity crisis. If I could explain it to you I would, but I don’t understand it myself, yet.
What I know for sure is that I’m crazy about my husband and my son and they are the most important thing in the world to me, period. Our little family unit, we three.
I have a beautiful life, I don’t want a different one. I feel young and the future is full of endless possibilities. I think it’s because I’m in early recovery and I have almost 30 years of “drinking Heidi” and not even a year yet of non drinking Heidi. I’m not sure if I totally know who she is…I’m sure she’s a better version of me.
It’s a weird feeling and exciting and also kind of scary, to be honest. I’m excited about living the rest of my life sober and happy, but I can’t fully picture that life outstretched, yet. Does that make sense?
I wasn’t drunk all the time, not at all…and to be clear, neither myself or my husband thinks Bex has been damaged by it, which is so incredibly lucky. More than anything, I want to prevent my child from ever being damaged in any way, by me or anyone else. Of course.
But I guess what I’m realizing is that I used alcohol for a number of things to self medicate: for feelings of fear, sadness, anxiety, depression, loneliness, physical pain or discomfort…even for being sick! To “kill” the pain of body aches and that sort of thing…it was my cure all.
I also used it for happy times of course, like to celebrate. Holidays, vacations…because it was the weekend, because it was a festive Tuesday…any excuse, really. And that go to move is gone, it has to be, so I have to find out who I am year in and year out, through the ups and downs of life, through sickness and in health…without that old “friend.” Who became my enemy, but you get it…it’s still weird for me.
But there is nothing that a drink really will make better for me and there is nothing that a drink won’t make worse. I know that, deep down. It’s just a process, a much harder one than I ever anticipated. But it’s worth it. It’s the only choice.
I just need to figure out who I’m becoming for the rest of my life. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. I really want to meet her someday.
Love,
~ Heidi
Awww, get a kitty! I WISH I could but my apt wont let me. Maybe it’s the change you need
http://www.mayorgia.blogspot.com
I’m sticking the kitty plan in my back pocket Gia!
It’s definitely not on the same level, but I feel this way with me and food sometimes. I’m hoping with the big change in my life that’s starting next week, things will be better. (Staying home with my babies, and working some night hours at my current job…which is making me lose my manager title – which sucks. I worked incredibly hard for it, but my babies are worth it.) I tend to eat so much crap while I’m at work, and I just can’t seem to physically stop. I hate it, makes me feel so ashamed of myself sometimes. (I don’t keep a whole lot of that cruddy food in my house). So, I’m hoping that with this new change, new week, will bring out the new me. I want to meet the healthier Meg. The happier-with-herself-inside-and-out Meg. Little bit, by little bit, I’m hoping I get there.
It’s so awesome to read your blog and get reminded that you (proverbial) are not alone in the crap that you go through. Thanks (again) for pouring it all out there, and giving the rest of us reassurance that things will get better. Little bit by little bit.
Thank you, Meg! You will get better and be better and feel better about yourself. I’ve had (have!) food issues, too, it’s all in the same boat of wanting to feel better and ultimately making myself feel worse. It’s so confusing, because sometimes I feel so on track and then I let myself get thrown under the metaphorical bus again. I WILL get this, I know I will. I think a lot of it is my inner work I still have to do- ugh!
I’m so happy for you that you get to be home with your babies, although I’m sure that was a difficult choice, it sounds like the right one for you right now. Here comes the sun. XOXO
Your blog is lovely! AND so realistic! I am a new follower. I was hoping that you would hop on over to mine and follow me if you like it!
http://www.enjoyingtheepiphany.com
Positively,
Sarah
Thank you, Sarah! Nice to meet you.
On the pet or no pet issue, if you do, I would totally get a kitty. Out of ALL of our animals (dogs, cats, ducks, chickens, goats, peacocks, and bunnies) our two cats, Sergio and Jezebel, are the least maintenance. And they make you happy. I swear they can tell when you are sad!
On the second half….Honey, let me tell ya, 3 YEARS and I still don’t know who the hell I am… HAHA Some days it really gets to me. I was having a “debbie downer” day yesterday and realized this morning how far I come. When I look back at myself from 3 years ago and look at myself now I am always shocked at how far I have come! Hell, to be completely honest, most people from my old days don’t recognize me anymore. Which is totally fine with me!
I guess what I am trying to say is that it is a transformation. Some days when I get down on myself I just have to make a list. A gratitude list. Yeah you have been to rehab I am sure you’ve done one or two.
Much love to you Sober Sister
Have a wonderful day!
http://serenefranklin.blogspot.com
Your comment made me smile and also feel better for being so crazy! Thank you!