I’m a political wag now, but I’m not getting too big for my britches. Anytime I get any ego, I fall flat on my face, so just because I’m changing the political landscape as we know it doesn’t mean anyone has to be nice to me, President Obama.
Michelle, call me, girl! I want to come and stay in the Lincoln Bedroom and yes, I will steal anything that’s not nailed down.
What is a wag? Good question. WAG meaning:
1.) A verb expressing a rocking movement, as in the wagging of a dog’s tail, or the motion of chemical bonds.
2.) A noun that refers to a pundit (expert) or commentator.
3.) Urban Slang: Wives and Girlfriends.
Well, I think we all know it’s number two, political expert.
I should start from the beginning. How did I get asked to discuss politics in an important discussion for “Time” Magazine? I Internet stalked “Time” writer Joel Stein, sort of. Oh, don’t act like a lot of important political careers didn’t begin from stalking. You know who you are (Jimmy Carter).
Apparently, Joel had some trouble getting people in L.A. to say they approved of Congress and what they’ve been doing lately. I felt that Congress, like most of us, needed a hug.
I arrived first at the outdoor cafe in Hollywood, which was very hipstery. I dressed, of course, like Ann Coulter, if she ate a sandwich and was not an annoying, egocentric bony b*tch. Meaning I dressed like a conservative hooker in black, but I threw on my light blue Rooster cowboy boots to show I swing both ways.
A pretty girl in a hip, backless orange paisley dress complimented my blue suede boots, which means I passed the hipster lesbian test, which is all I really care about anyway.
I was palpitating when I got there because I had driven almost an hour from my house and nearly killed 27 tourists on Hollywood Boulevard.
You really don’t want to kill people when you’re driving a Prius, because that kind of negates the whole “I’m a good person” vibe.
The valet parking man didn’t scold me for making an illegal U-turn and then told me “Your eyes are the exact same color as your boots.” It’s nice to start out with a compliment, so I gave him the keys to my car without a valet ticket, which is like handing over your vehicle to a carjacker with a smile.
It was crowded and Joel had not even given his name to the nice people who worked there. I wandered around until I found him near the croissants. Actually, he saw me and waved me over. “Time” even sprung for food, so they are getting big time. I hear the Amish even read it.
I ordered an egg white omelette with spinach, mushrooms, avocado and cheese and a soy latte. Joel ordered a chai coffee, although I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for straight men to drink chai, unless they live in India.
These are the details that are fascinating to me: Joel Stein carried both my giant latte and his, even though we didn’t have a table yet. When the other four people arrived, he took their orders, stood in line to get their food and drinks, and basically was our charming waiter, without complaint.
Either Joel is the nicest guy ever or he needs an assistant, stat. Oh, and he’s not gay, he’s married, but he must have a lot of gay friends who turned him on to chai.
Surprisingly again, Stein was not snarky like he can be in his column. He was super nice and maybe even a little shy. I really hope that’s not just his act before he throws me under the bus in print, but we’ll have to wait and see.
I have witnesses that I said some intelligent things, Joel! And I had a small recording device in my jeans. That’s why I wore a puffy whore shirt from Forever
I can’t write about what people said because Joel is the real journalist here, and who am I but just a Mommy Blogger with a large, devoted following of people who will write to his editor and storm the Interwebs?
No, seriously, I can’t “scoop” his story, but he was witty and quite serious about his work and Joel actually wrote everything we said down in a notebook. Like a reporter from 1920. Haven’t they invented anything more advanced for reporters since Prohibition?
The other people there wanted to remain anonymous. I’m serious. Except for me and one young guy who was a lawyer for start up companies. (He’s supposed to tweet at me, but I haven’t heard a peep, so get on that mister so I can give you a Twitter plug.)
So there was the young lawyer guy, a conservative married couple with children who like the Tea Party, and their nice male friend who is a father and has a touchy job I can’t mention without ratting him out.
Everyone was very sincere and had great talking points, all very intelligent people and not a crazy among them. (I heard that.)
But this is where we change the world, and this is 100% sincere:
*Dear Joel: Please do me a solid favor and mention the name of my website (www.GirltoMom.com) in the article.
I know I told you Bexon’s whole story, too, and listen, if you can fit it in, please please please mention the name of his condition, Progressive Infantile Scoliosis, and life saving treatment, non-surgical body/torso casts in the Mehta/EDF method.
(Bex had 10 casts and is now in a removable brace to hold the correction.)
I totally understand if you don’t have word space or if it is not appropriate. The web address alone will spread awareness and save many more children like my son. Babies, Joel, you will be saving babies, no joke. Isn’t that powerful?*
Thank you Joel Stein, from the bottom of my Mommy heart.
P.S. That’s over 1,000 words before 11am, Stein xo