Married Sex After Children

Someone told me today that she overheard two middle aged, not very sexual looking women in the airport asking each other what their “safe words” were!

For the uninitiated, a safe word is a pre-planned and agreed upon word used during sex or erotic play that means “stop” or “halt” or “You’re hurting me!”

One of these women said her safe word was “broccoli.”  Ok, is that not hilarious or what?

Our own Moms need safe words? REALLY? America, I think we are possibly now in a new sex age, post the wildly popular erotic book “Fifty Shades of Gray” – a book that some people think is porn.

I personally think it’s a pretty badly written book that does draw you in, but mostly because you’re waiting to see how weird the sex scenes get.

My opinion: there’s a lot of crazy stuff in there, but what the two lead characters actually do in the first book of the series doesn’t amount to much more than very harsh spanking, at the worst.

I mean, the dungeon room is freaky and so is all the control freak stuff, but you can find worse if you Google BDSM or bondage porn and watch free porn clips on your home computer (don’t do it!).

I like the woman who said it was Mommy porn because before all the sex scenes, the beds are always beautifully made with expensive, high thread count sheets. She said it’s Mommy porn because they like to imagine someone else made the bed- ha!

Maybe nothing has gotten any freakier in sex in America, maybe we’re just talking about it more openly?

Married sex can go all across the boards, of course, I know a friend who one year said she and her husband had sex maybe 2 or 3 times. In the whole year. Seriously.

You might assume the husband is cheating on her, but I know the guy- he’s definitely not gay, and I think he’s faithful. To each his own, I guess.

I don’t think my husband and I have gone longer than 3-4 weeks without sex in nearly 20 years together, even under extreme circumstances, like me being in rehab under house arrest with no conjugal visits.

So, anyway…Here’s my experience with married sex before and after having kids, and yes, I’m about to over share:

1.) You meet and wildly f*ck. Probably more frequently than you ever will again until the end of time.

2.) You get tired of having constant UTIs, urinary tract infections, or Honeymoon Cystitis as they call it, but that doesn’t stop you for long. You’re horny like two rabbits on crack.

3.) You slow down a little if one of you is vomiting from the flu. Then you’re back at it, “practicing” making babies. You need a lot of practice. Apparently.

4.) You get married and have a child. During pregnancy, sex may still be hot if you don’t get morning sickness for 9-10 months. Or your hormones may make you less interested, it goes both ways.

At the end, you’re so big and fat that you decide if you can’t see your vagina, neither should he.

5.) The baby is born and even if you didn’t blow out your vagina, (I had a C-section)- you still need to heal and you’re way too bone tired to talk dirty.

You’re grateful the doctor said no sex for 6 weeks. You frequently repeat this to your husband, possibly while crying.

6.) After 6 weeks, you might feel sexual stirrings in your hoo-ha, but you may just prefer to ease up against the jet of a hot tub, use the manual shower massage on pulsate, or use an electric back massage thing or vibrator (if you have one) on the outside of your ladybits.

Because you just MADE a frickin’ baby, you don’t need to make another one right now.

On the other hand, you might just go for it and let your poor deprived husband in. If he changes diapers.

Psst: The first time after baby, it didn’t feel that great to me, but it got better. And I’ve heard from mom friends with vaginal births your vag usually goes all the way back to its normal size. Phew.

7.) Now you have a kid (or kids, plural) and you’re busy for about the next 5 to 18 years. Oh, just that.

For at least six months to a year, you’re sleep deprived. A crying baby is not sexy. But most couples gradually find a way, just not as often.

Do you want to make love with a babysitter listening? How about your mother in law? Can you afford a babysitter and a hotel? Exactly.

More sleep improves this boot knocking ratio, but you probably have to schedule it or pencil it in…and then…one day…

8.) BAM! The kid reaches an age where they can do stuff on their own! Like go to preschool or Kindergarten! Or college!

Or, like watch their own educational TV shows or play kid’s video games on the cell phone or computer without you worrying they’re trying to drown themselves in the toilet or chug Whiskey or Drano. The usual toddler antics.

This, my friends, is where you can really get back to where it was, not right when you first met, but a little later, when you had free time and could even get into a new experimental stage. Like, possibly involving a feather. Or an adult toy. Or chocolate. No pets, please. Ewww.

A book like 50 Shades can give you a few ideas and then you might try one and later say “No thank you, that bruised my boobs for a week so I don’t want to do that again, ever.”

For example. I’m not saying that happened to me, ahem.

Some of you know I have a Twitter account where I sort of play a fictional character who’s a “hooker with a heart of gold” and she tweets raunchy R rated sex jokes like a nymphomaniac. She talks about all the body parts with all of the filthy words. Don’t follow that whore! Seriously, don’t.

Do I love sex in real life and have a wild side? Yes. Am I doing all of the things my Twitter alter ego says she does? No.

“Miss B” mostly tweets like she’s single, not married, as I said, she’s not me, but perhaps she is one small side of me that I find fun to explore. I’m a comedy writer by trade and she helps keep my  joke writing skills honed, she makes me giggle and feel naughty.

Someday I may delete her forever, when Bex is older, but for now, I’m having fun with it and my husband doesn’t mind. And yes, her tweets have led to a raised eyebrow or two in my house that might have led to the boudoir.

You get the idea. What do you think about married sex after kids? Any tips for me? No pun intended.

BROCCOLI!

xxx- hf