I took this photograph of a rose in my front yard yesterday during the rain. Love it.
Here’s my negative thoughts versus my positive ones about my life right now:
Negative: I’m a alcoholic. This sucks, I have to be one for the rest of my life!
Positive: I’m SO lucky that I’m a female alcoholic who caught this deadly progressive disease in time, while my health is still great, my son is still very young and unaffected by it, I still have my marriage and my beautiful life and future ahead of me! YAY!
I could’ve been in jail or in a terrible car accident in a blackout. I just heard a man speak last week who accidentally killed a 19 year old boy by crossing the double yellow line on Sunset Boulevard. Seconds and inches. It’s heartbreaking.
I could’ve lost my health, I could’ve lost everything. In the past there was no 12 Step Program and alcoholic men were castrated or homeless and the women were homeless or prostitutes. I was born in a time when this is recognized as the disease it is and most people understand.
What a blessing.
Negative: I’m gained weight, ugh. Now I’ve transferred my drinking addiction to food (and shopping)! I’ll always have these problems and now I may never lose weight!
Positive: I still look good, my skin is miraculous considering what I’ve put it through- the wringer. My sponsor’s mother told me last week she thought I was 21 and I’m 41. That might be a stretch, but hey, I’ll take it.
I can always lose weight and firstly, I should love my body at any size. I certainly have not treated it like the temple I should and now that I’m sober, I can.
Secondly, remember the donuts and the cakes and the ice cream and the burritos? Yeah, this weight didn’t happen by accident, aren’t you so lucky that you you get a choice! (In jail you have to eat the crap slop they give you.) If it’s the meds you’re taking adding on pounds, you will find that out.
In the meantime, it is hard to get newly sober and give up treats at the same time. Give yourself a break, it will all balance out. One choice at a time.
Negative: I’m writing a book about my drinking history and recovery, what are people going to think of me when they read it? Will they see me as a dirty drunken whore instead of a nice Mommy and person? What about my own Mother, will she be horrified by it?
Will the mothers in Bex’s elementary school read it? Oh no, if it’s successful, do I want that perception of me out there in the world?
Positive: Writer’s write. You write what you know and this experience is what you know right now. When you share your pain, it can always have the chance of helping another person.
Your mother doesn’t have to read it. You are so lucky to have a fantastic literary agent and the opportunity to write this book, to be given the gift of having the ability to share your story. Think of women in history with amazing stories we never heard because their voices were squelched by sexism, etc.
You live in a time when people have respect for other people’s struggles and women have a voice. Use it.
If people judge you for it, that always says more about them than it does about you. You can’t control what other people think, repeat this mantra: It is none of my business what other people think about me.
Ok, good voice wins. Ready to face my day.
Love,
~ Heidi
P.S. Quick informal poll: Does anyone know if Lexapro has made you or anyone you know gain weight? If you don’t want to leave it in a comment, email me privately at girltomom@gmail.com Thanks! xo- h
Oh man, I love this post.
I could not agree more about the diet one. You can’t do everything at once. I subsituted shopping and eating HARDCORE the first six months. The shopping maybe even the first year, before I got a handle on them.
As for the book, what’s that saying? “Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter” or something like that.
http://www.sporkgasm.blogspot.com
That is a great quote!
I will so buy your book!
I have had people ask me to write a book and be a speaker about the emotional effects it causes kids with parents who drink but I have stage fright and might puke on everyone and then they would puke on everyone and then there would be puke everywhere.
To be honest I really don’t have any emotional effects except I don’t drink because the fear of becoming an alcoholic is always in my head which I guess is a good thing because I save money this way.
You save money and possibly your life!
Way to go landing a literary agent already! That is soooo positive! Someone believes in you and your story, which means that the journey you took was meant to be. You are so lucky to come out the other side with your family and health intact and the opportunity to make best-selling lemons out of your lemonade! Love your attitude!
http://www.verystrangebird.com
Hi again Heidi. Good pro and con approach. I went on a med a year ago Feb and put on 70 pounds in a month this was in addition to the 30 that had slowly crept on. It takes the same stuff to diet correctly as it does to stay sober. I haven’t changed the meds but changed my eating habits – joined Jenny for a couple months to get started. So far I have lost 55 pounds. Set a realistic goal and go for it. Remember if you can get sober you can do anything!! – Cindy
55 pounds, that’s amazing! I’ve been thinking about joining Jenny but not sure- I know what to do, it’s just a matter of doing it!
Be proud of yourself and where your life has brought you. Your so lucky to have been able to overcome one of your hurdles. Me, I can’t seem to get any under control at this point, but I’m hoping one day I can. You deserve and huge CONGRATULATIONS!!!
You’ll get there, Valerie, thank you! We’re all just progress not perfection.
I am not an alcoholic, but I do have depression and body image issues.
Lexapro did not make me gain weight when I was on it, seemed to work pretty well for my “issues” but I stopped taking it due to sexual side effects, and insurance stopped covering it as much. I am currently on Zoloft and coincidentally I went to my psych today and she recommended Ginko Biloba supplements for that – studies have found it to be 75% effective at completely reversing any SSID side effects. (Can’t remember if Lexapro is an SSID).
I’ve been putting a lot of energy into natural foods, home cookin’, and local produce. That has helped me refocus and give me a little more “control” over my life and it certainly benefits us in the long run. (I’ve subscribed to Deliciously Organics’ weekly menus and am constantly scouring her website for more inspiration.)
Thank you for your candor and transparency. It takes a lot to throw all of that out to the masses and we love you for it.
Thank you, Laura! That’s interesting about the Ginko…
Lexapro did NOT make me gain weight. Honestly, it made me more productive and therefor I did not want to sit around and eat all day!
Also, I am so glad that you are writing a book about your story! You are right….writers write. It is what you do and you could save lives! I personally can’t wait for it to come out
http://www.sober_mom.livejournal.com
Thank you, Candice!