I took this photograph of a rose in my front yard yesterday during the rain. Love it.
Here’s my negative thoughts versus my positive ones about my life right now:
Negative: I’m a alcoholic. This sucks, I have to be one for the rest of my life!
Positive: I’m SO lucky that I’m a female alcoholic who caught this deadly progressive disease in time, while my health is still great, my son is still very young and unaffected by it, I still have my marriage and my beautiful life and future ahead of me! YAY!
I could’ve been in jail or in a terrible car accident in a blackout. I just heard a man speak last week who accidentally killed a 19 year old boy by crossing the double yellow line on Sunset Boulevard. Seconds and inches. It’s heartbreaking.
I could’ve lost my health, I could’ve lost everything. In the past there was no 12 Step Program and alcoholic men were castrated or homeless and the women were homeless or prostitutes. I was born in a time when this is recognized as the disease it is and most people understand.
What a blessing.
Negative: I’m gained weight, ugh. Now I’ve transferred my drinking addiction to food (and shopping)! I’ll always have these problems and now I may never lose weight!
Positive: I still look good, my skin is miraculous considering what I’ve put it through- the wringer. My sponsor’s mother told me last week she thought I was 21 and I’m 41. That might be a stretch, but hey, I’ll take it.
I can always lose weight and firstly, I should love my body at any size. I certainly have not treated it like the temple I should and now that I’m sober, I can.
Secondly, remember the donuts and the cakes and the ice cream and the burritos? Yeah, this weight didn’t happen by accident, aren’t you so lucky that you you get a choice! (In jail you have to eat the crap slop they give you.) If it’s the meds you’re taking adding on pounds, you will find that out.
In the meantime, it is hard to get newly sober and give up treats at the same time. Give yourself a break, it will all balance out. One choice at a time.
Negative: I’m writing a book about my drinking history and recovery, what are people going to think of me when they read it? Will they see me as a dirty drunken whore instead of a nice Mommy and person? What about my own Mother, will she be horrified by it?
Will the mothers in Bex’s elementary school read it? Oh no, if it’s successful, do I want that perception of me out there in the world?
Positive: Writer’s write. You write what you know and this experience is what you know right now. When you share your pain, it can always have the chance of helping another person.
Your mother doesn’t have to read it. You are so lucky to have a fantastic literary agent and the opportunity to write this book, to be given the gift of having the ability to share your story. Think of women in history with amazing stories we never heard because their voices were squelched by sexism, etc.
You live in a time when people have respect for other people’s struggles and women have a voice. Use it.
If people judge you for it, that always says more about them than it does about you. You can’t control what other people think, repeat this mantra: It is none of my business what other people think about me.
Ok, good voice wins. Ready to face my day.
P.S. Quick informal poll: Does anyone know if Lexapro has made you or anyone you know gain weight? If you don’t want to leave it in a comment, email me privately at firstname.lastname@example.org Thanks! xo- h