Paris, Cocaine & Me

Paris Hilton party picture

An Open Letter to the Las Vegas Police Department:

Dear Vegas PD,

I sort of accidentally-on-purpose put a post on Facebook (The Social Network) which jokingly referenced the fact that I MIGHT have planted that cocaine on Paris Hilton that she was arrested for recently. Then I was agog to realize that she is probably all lawyered up by now, and you, fine Sirs and Madams, might be looking for the culprit.

The culprit who is clearly NOT her, because she would never do such a thing as to carry coke on her person. I can assure you in all good faith that culprit is not, in fact, moi.  That’s French for I’m innocent!

That Facebook thing was a little joke, not that I have never TRIED coke, but it was way wayyyyyyyyy in the past, when I was about 19.  I can assure you that now I am A Mother-type-person who is not fond of any substance that would prevent me from getting any sleep. Quite to the contrary!

My son Bexon, age 3, loves dinosaurs, and he loves getting up at the crack of the dawn of Early Man in order to talk about them. “MOMMY!” Is usually screamed from the top of his little lungs around that ungodly hour, as well as “I LOVE DINOSAURS!”

Bex got a BIG BOY bed last week. (Such a BIG BOY! Mommy is SO proud!) See, he learned how to nimbly escape his crib, vaulting like an Olympic gymnast, to my and my husband’s horror, because we do own a set of steak knives that are currently housed in our kitchen drawer, and Bex has also outsmarted those drawer baby proofing locks. We are dearly hoping the little rascal doesn’t get out of his room in the middle of the night and stab someone, especially not himself.

Come to think of it, sharp knives are a safety hazard, we should throw them out because we eat 80 percent vegetarian, anyway. We are trying to lower our cholesterol while simultaneously saving the planet. We aren’t asking for a pat on the back for that or anything, we just don’t want to go to prison. We also drive a Prius. Good karma? I hope so. You’re welcome. But I digress.

I do not do illegal things, I mean, not frequently or on purpose. Well, maybe I have in my life I hitchhiked once, is that illegal? If it’s not illegal, it is surely stupid, and let’s just leave it at that, shall we? Why yes, I have done a lot of stupid things- why the 3rd degree? You have met enough stupid criminals in your day, and you don’t need me to tell you how to do your job.

In fact, it is a miracle I survived high school and lived to tell the tale, LO, these many years later. You have no idea. You know those girls on “The Bad Girls Club” TV show who are always naked and beating each other to death with their vaginas? Well, I don’t either, I don’t watch that kind of trash, but I bet they are as wild as I was. Bless their hearts. That’s Southern for a few words I can’t say in polite company.

Back in high school, I was once a passenger with a friend in the car trying to get home and make curfew- speeding, of course- coming home from carousing through thick blinding fog, probably on our way to Taco Bell, and she was stopped and arrested for a you-know-what. It starts with a D and it doesn’t stand for Donut or Delightful. We’ll call my friend Levi. A girl version of the name Levi. Just go with it.

So, Levi’s parents apparently were angry with me that I “LEFT Levi” to be taken to the police station, while I went home and cried snug in my own bed. Now, I was not the one driving or the one arrested, and between us, do many people sneak INTO jail to try to be with their friend? No, I’m pretty sure there are mostly people trying to sneak OUT of jail, not in. So Levi’s parents can do the algebra.

Listen, I tried a line or a bump or whatever when I was so young, with my friend FiFi (not her real name) at a party, and even at age 19, it is NO FUN to be laying in bed awake at 7AM when you are plum tuckered out EXHAUSTED from drunk boys hitting on you and you are just praying for sleep. If it was not fun back then, imagine how NOT fun it would be for a Mother-type-person like myself these days. Suckage level: Safety Orange.

Can I say it would BLOW?! A little coke joke there…okay, a really bad one. I hope my sad attempt at humor is not bumping you. Truly, the only Coke I do is Coca-Cola, and even then, it’s Diet Coke these days. Ya know though, I’m not sure if I trust that aspartame sweetner, I don’t know if it’s true, but people are always saying it can live in your spinal fluid FOREVER.

Now, really, how could that be? We all know people who’ve drank buttloads of Diet Coke, why aren’t they all BLOWED UP with that fluid?

Still, I prefer the Diet Coke with Splenda, to be on the safe side. Actually Coke Zero is delicious. It has no relation to the movie “Less Than Zero” a movie that starred Robert Downey Jr., a person I am pretty sure has tried real coke. I don’t have any proof, ahem.  You, Sir, are the law enforcement officer, not I.

And then Robert got clean and he still looks so handsome and seems super happy with his lovely wife who has great skin, and then Hollywood forced him to work with Mickey Rourke, who reportedly played Amy Winehouse’s song “Rehab” REALLY LOUD during the filming of “Iron Man”, which to me, is just rude.

I do love Mickey’s acting, I sobbed when he played that wrestler because I felt like he was channeling my career and probable future slicing meats in a deli. I hope Robert’s Chinese herbs helped him get through that little boondoggle.

Anyway, Paris’ skin looks pretty good in her mug shot, and you can’t be doing too many drugs and staying up all night and not have some dark circles and crow’s feet to show for it. And yes, I will be representing Miss P in court, we’re going with the Skin Defense.

We’re starting a line of creams with peptides and low tides that only work when there’s a full moon and your pet wolf shaped like Taylor Lautner licks it off of your face, naked. The bottle is shaped like Taylor’s abs and the scent is…well, I’d call it pretty manly. Think of Paris’ voice when she drops the babydoll act and she is just being her cool self, the kinda girl you’d want to party all night with.

Golly gee damn, that sounded incriminating. Sin City’s Finest, I’m still pleading innocent.

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