Dinosaur Mating Rituals

Hi y’all! Today is my one year anniversary of blogging and launching Girl to Mom- my “Blogiversary.”

This, I believe, is my first re-post- in honor of the first year, I’m re-posting my very first post ever, from one year ago today:

I’m in a quandary over a Mommy Mistake I made. See, my little angel Bexon, my 3 year old precious darling son, just loves dinosaurs. He also loves YouTube, where I play him educational videos- you know, phonics, the ABCs and 123s, and now…dinosaurs doing the nasty! AHHHH!!!

I know. I had not planned on teaching him the Birds and the Bees this young. He was sitting at the computer and he asked me to play “Dinosaurs, Mommy!” with great glee, so I put on a BBC special.

You know, the BBC, it’s like PBS for fancy British people. The BBC is an innocent CLASS ACT, it’s Elmo goes to Oxford!

So, my little man was watching intently, learning all kinds of important knowledge about the Land Before Time, while I was on the opposite side of the room, feeling smug that I was such a good Mama.

I was probably buying myself a cute T-shirt online from Target when I heard dinosaurs climbing all over each other and having hot monkey sex! ACK!

I’m pretty sure this is going down on my permanent record. I do realize I should always watch a video myself first before playing it for my offspring and his innocent little mind.

Well, it goes without saying that that very evening and the next morning, my boy was cheerfully placing his favorite little plastic dinosaurs on top of each other’s backs!

Imagine the first day at preschool. Shudder! “Ms. Ferrer, AHEM, we need to have a talk about your son’s…er…imaginative play.” I’ll just lie to the teacher, “It’s piggyback! They’re playing piggyback!”

Do I now broach the touchy subject of dinosaur condoms? Should they be ribbed for her pleasure?

I think the female dinosaur deserves SOMETHING for her pleasure, because of course, I sat myself down and watched it afterwards. Suffice to say, as the British narrator describes, the young male dinosaur approaches the female, “…rubbing his body down hers…she shows she is receptive…”

Italics mine. Can’t you just here the Marvin Gaye song, the “Let’s Get it On,” wah wah wah beat in the background? Oh no, it gets worse. Wait for it. The British man says, “Mating is a dangerous activity for the female, as she is going to have to carry an extra 10 tons on her back.”

Boy howdy, it sure IS a dangerous activity! I’LL say! And then the very elegant BBC narrator says, “As she has grown older, the vertebrae on her hips have become fused and reinforced to help her cope with this ordeal.”

I sure do hope the boy dinosaur was whispering sweet nothings into the girl dinosaur’s ear. Well, I may just win Mother of the Year for this little boondoggle. Really.

I have exposed an innocent mind to nearly five minutes of Dino Porn. This is far worse than walking in on Mommy and Daddy, Daddy may have put on a few LBs since we met at age 22, but he doesn’t weigh 10 tons! (Sorry, honey- and luckily, that hasn’t happened yet.)

At least it’s a good thing that dinosaur foreplay was covered, with the rubbing down her body and whatnot. Whew, that’s a relief. Bexon’s future girlfriends and wife, you’re welcome!

Seriously, it is far too early for The Talk, so I suppose I should tell Bexon that the two dinosaurs have to get married, now. I know he doesn’t understand the concept of marriage, but then again, a lot of married people don’t, either.

I will just explain to him that those two dinosaurs are in LOVE and they are by God getting HITCHED!

I have to do something drastic, because Bex just recently placed one of his dinos on top of his little plastic zebra. There is interspecies action going on in our house of shame, now. Born free, indeed.

A little ceremony for the two horny dinos should do the trick, it shouldn’t cost me and my husband more than thirty thousand dollars, tops.

They are not getting steak or lobster at the reception after that kind of premarital activity, rubbery chicken is perfectly fine for them- in fact, plastic pterodactyl.

XOXO-

~ Heidi

P.S. Thank you for spending a little of your precious time with me and my silliness, my friends, I love you.