Bexon’s germs got me. I knew it was you, Fredo. Of course, now he’s totally fine, as I weep and gnash my teeth, just knowing I’m gonna throw up at some point.
That’s attractive. Who wants to hold my hair back?
Yo, do parents pretty much stay sick on and off, the whole time their kids are in school? I read somewhere that a normal healthy adult gets 2-4 colds and flus a year, on average. And kids under age 10 get sick more often, because the younger ones are being exposed to everything for the first time. They have virgin immune systems.
Colds and flus last what, about 2-3 weeks? But here is the part that scares me. Viruses can mutate. So you might catch a different version of the same “bug” twice, in your own household!
Like when your little boy slimes you. Gross!
Moms Should Get Sick Days
This all makes me want to spray my kiddo head to toe with Lysol and hermetically seal all of us inside a sterile plastic bubble, like The Boy in the Plastic Bubble once played by a young John Travolta.
Is that a tad extreme?
What men should do if their wife gets sick: A primer:
1.) Quit your job pronto, and devote your life to waiting on your betrothed hand and foot, 24/7. This goes for boyfriends, too.
2.) When she’s resting on her back with her eyes closed, don’t allow your 3 year old child (or pet) to yell BOO-YAH! While pouncing on her tender stomach, knees first.
3.) Do get her any food she asks for, especially a delicious vat of chicken matzo ball soup. Let her cry and sniffle into it.
4.) Do not say she’s overreacting when she bursts into tears and says “I’m-SO-SICK! I think I’m dying.” Just agree that no human being has suffered as bravely as she. Except when she sobs and swears she’s getting fat. Disagree.
5.) Do not require her to do any activity that involves bending at the waist. I think you know what I’m talking about .
This includes housecleaning, changing a diaper, bikini line grooming, and working on the roof deck. She should not have to grout.
6.) Do let her watch anything she wants to on TV, especially an episode of Oprah involving Sister Wives or Suze Orman.
Agree with her that the sister wives are fools and the husband is in his own private Hell from which there’s no escape.
Say the same thing about any man married to a very beautiful woman, especially Ashton Kutcher.
7.) Do not laugh at your sick wife when she tries to put in the night mouth guard the dentist wants her to wear, and do NOT speak with a pronounced lisp as you imitate how unsexy the device is. The lip drool is bad enough, kay?
And I will end up only being able to eat soft foods if I don’t wear it, bucko! Is that how you want me in my old age, gummy? (wife pretends to slam door).
8.) Sick people do not shave their legs. It’s the bending at the stomach part again. I’ll catch up, just don’t call me Sasquatch in the meantime. I’m not a Kardashian sister.
9.) Anything I can get to go down and stay down in my stomach is considered medicine, right now, even if it comes from a can or involves a food that won’t decompose for twelve hundred million years, natch.
10.) You are hereby appointed all child rearing duties. Just keep the lil critter alive, thanks. I’ve grown rather fond of him.
So that’s it, you’re welcome husbands and boyfriends. Now I’m gonna crawl in bed and pity myself, big time.
By the way, if you are reading this and are on Twitter, I love your hair, and would you consider clicking on the “T” button on the upper right hand side of this home page and “follow” GirltoMom on Twitter?
Your tweets will give me something to read in bed while I attempt to recover. (I have a Heidi Ferrer Twitter, but I never used it, this is the one I use every day, now.)
Thanks for the love or charity for poor, pitiful me : )
XOXO- Peace out- Heidi