Periods are mean. Mine is basically over, but it hurt this month, dude, a crampy, achy belly sucks. I know why we get them, but WHY?
Blech! “From now on, my period will be known as Shark Week.” Someone said that, I’m not sure who, but it’s a good idea. “I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat…”
PMS is no party, either, it turns the nicest cheerful cupcake maker of a woman into a she devil succubus who might get her first assault charge.
I’m not saying me, I’m an angel at all times.
I don’t even burst into tears and threaten to throw myself off a bridge when I’m menstruating or anything.
I’m always. Effing. Happy. All women are. Like, all of the time. Hahaha!
Here are 10 Nicer Ways Our Uterus Could Tell Us We’re Not Pregnant every month (this list is assuming you don’t want to be pregnant right now. And it’s totally silly, I think you know that going in.)
1.) George Clooney invites you (via your uterus) to his villa in Lake Como, Italy.
2.) Ryan Gosling feeds you homemade pasta on your couch, announcing “Hey girl, congratulations, let’s keep practicing. By the way, you look too thin, manga.”
3.) Your uterus sends you colorful balloons! Filled with diamonds.
4.) Your happy ovaries spontaneously make you drop 10 pounds overnight. But not of blood, maybe confetti. Wait…that’s still messy.
More like Fairy Godmother, POOF! The fat just disappears.
5.) All of your unused tampons turn into rolled up thousand dollar bills. Continue reading