Why Periods?

Funny Shark Jaws Song

Periods are mean. Mine is basically over, but it hurt this month, dude, a crampy, achy belly sucks. I know why we get them, but WHY?

Blech! “From now on, my period will be known as Shark Week.” Someone said that, I’m not sure who, but it’s a good idea. “I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat…”

PMS is no party, either, it turns the nicest cheerful cupcake maker of a woman into a she devil succubus who might get her first assault charge.

I’m not saying me, I’m an angel at all times.

I don’t even burst into tears and threaten to throw myself off a bridge when I’m menstruating or anything.

I’m always. Effing. Happy. All women are. Like, all of the time. Hahaha!

Here are 10 Nicer Ways Our Uterus Could Tell Us We’re Not Pregnant every month (this list is assuming you don’t want to be pregnant right now. And it’s totally silly, I think you know that going in.)

1.) George Clooney invites you (via your uterus) to his villa in Lake Como, Italy.

2.) Ryan Gosling feeds you homemade pasta on your couch, announcing “Hey girl, congratulations, let’s keep practicing. By the way, you look too thin, manga.”

3.) Your uterus sends you colorful balloons! Filled with diamonds.

4.) Your happy ovaries spontaneously make you drop 10 pounds overnight. But not of blood, maybe confetti. Wait…that’s still messy.

More like Fairy Godmother, POOF! The fat just disappears.

5.) All of your unused tampons turn into rolled up thousand dollar bills. Continue reading

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Posted in A Giggle, My Dark Places, Womanhood and Shizz | 4 Comments

Google Jumps to Conclusions

Funny Google Search

I just typed in the word “I” into the search box Google, calm down.

I don’t have a penis, by the way. I only have one kid. The rest seems legit.

What if I begin to search my husband…? Hmmm…

funny husband internet search

Wow, pretty harsh words about my husband! You don’t even know him, Google. I mean, he’s definitely not gay.

He’s never cheated on me and I don’t think he hates me…at the moment, anyway.

He’s not mean or selfish or a jerk, he’s very sweet and generous, actually.

He’s not a skag, either, what’s a skag? Hold on while I search that…

I’m back. Ok, it’s means sleazeball or unkempt person. No no no, gah!

What if I begin to search “my wife…?”

my wife funny google search

Damn it feels good to be a gangster. :-)

XOXO-

~ h

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Posted in A Giggle, Funny Pictures, Technology, The Internet, Things That Make Ya Go Hmm. | Leave a comment

Baby Panda Naps in Tree

Funny Baby Panda

I die, I die at the cuteness!

San Diego Zoo two weeks ago, new baby panda, remember the mama eating bamboo?

Yummy smooches. Right on the smacker.

XOXO-

~ H

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Posted in A Giggle, Adorable Animal Pictures, Adorable Animals, Adorable Pictures, Baby Animals, Cute Animals, Funny Animal Pictures, Funny Animals | 1 Comment

Brussels Sprouts with Bacon

Brussel Sprouts

If you think you don’t like brussel sprouts, or especially if you already do, this easy Brussels sprouts sauteed with bacon recipe might change your life a little for the better, like it did mine last night.

I just made this up as I went along. I used:

1.) Microwavable bag of fresh Brussels sprouts. (You don’t have to steam them in the microwave, use a pan or a pot, either way.)

Steam them ’til they are cooked through and chop them up.

2.) Pre-cooked refrigerated bacon. Yes, I’m that lazy! I used 5 slices and heated it in the micro on a plate with paper towels ’til crisp. Set aside.

You could use turkey bacon or soy bacon if you prefer…or actually cook it yourself, ha.

3.) One tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil in a large non-stick pan.

4.) A few cloves of garlic, diced, chopped or minced. I used about 4-5 cloves.

5.) Fresh lemon juice.

6.) One tablespoon salted butter.

This is all you do…

chopped brussel sprouts

After you steam and chop the Brussels sprouts until they’re almost unrecognizable, put the EVOO in the pan and toss in the garlic. Saute that on medium heat until it starts to lightly brown.

Throw in all of the chopped cooked Brussels sprouts and saute together. Add one tablespoon of butter if you like, you can stick with just the olive oil if you prefer.

Now, crumble all of the cooked bacon over the mixture. Stir together and put a lid on it if you like it more cooked. The key is to get slightly caramelized edges (lightly brown) on the sprouts, for best flavor.

Lastly, sprinkle fresh lemon juice over the top, salt and pepper to taste and serve. TA DA!

brussel sprouts bacon

If you’re a cheese lover, Parmesan cheese is yummy on top of this, and the whole mixture is delicious tossed in pasta. Add chicken breast if you like, for more protein.

If you’re dieting, you can use I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter Spray in place of the butter, I would still use the oil, though, for taste.

Calories: The entire pan I made above was about 600 calories. I split that between two people and it was a huge amount at 300 calories each, you could easily serve this to 3-4 people as a side.

Also, Brussels sprouts are a cruciferous vegetable like broccoli and cauliflower (super healthy, cancer fighting) and a thermogenic food, so 200 of that 600 calories is essentially a freebie.

Delightful. Delish. Enjoy.

XOXO,

~ Heidi

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Posted in Health is Wealth, Skinny Mama Food, Yummy Food | 2 Comments

The Last Day of Kindergarten

Boy Kindergarten

My baby is graduating Kindergarten today. We also finished out his first season of soccer, they lost all but two games and one of those, half of the other team didn’t even show up, but one win was legit.

And triumphant. They had heart. Here’s Bex winning his first ever trophy from Coach Nick.

soccer trophy boy

It was a participation trophy, meaning all of the kids get one at this age, but still. Awesome.

He also finished four months of Karate lessons, we’re gonna take a break from that for the Summer because he got a little burned out from going three times a week and so did I.

But he did earn his yellow belt and got an official patch for reaching a level. Bex chose a dinosaur patch, because everyone knows that T-Rex’s tiny arms are excellent at martial arts.

So, a lot of things are coming to an end at the same time, and I relish the idea of sleeping in a little later on Saturday mornings for a while. His soccer games were at the butt crack of dawn every weekend. I moaned a lot.

My little golden boy is making me laugh, lately.

He said to me the other day when I was kissing his face and cuddling him: “Why are you using The Kissy Voice?”

Apparently, I use a different, higher toned voice when I’m loving on him. Busted.

When we were eating lunch last week and I was having a salad with chickpeas in it, I said:

Me: Do you know what’s made of chickpeas? Hummus….and Bexon! I ate a lot of chickpeas when I was pregnant with you.

Bex: Than eat another chickpea and make another Bexon! Continue reading

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Posted in A Giggle, Bexon, Funny Kids, Mommyhood | 1 Comment

Panda Fights Racism

Funny Panda

I just spent the day on a field trip with about 80-90 Kindergarteners, which was so fun, HAHAHAHAHA!

And Bex’s teacher was unexpectedly out sick, on the second to last day of school. Hopefully she’ll be able to make it to the graduation ceremony of their class tomorrow. She must be in a lot of pain to miss the second to last day of the school year, and a field trip.

There was a substitute teacher.

For a field trip of spirited six year olds…off campus. 26 kids in Bex’s class, the 80-90 numbers is all four Kindergarten classes who ventured out together to the park and library, spreading out in a gazillion directions.

It all worked out, but whoa, that is a tall order for a substitute teacher! Luckily she had the teachers from the other classes along to help, and parents. I kept Bex alive, so, success.

Oh and last night around 10pm, there was a police helicopter hovering right near our house with a spotlight, like on a criminal or something. Turns out there were multiple home invasions on one day in our neighborhood this week.

They knock on the door first, these robbers, to see if you’re home. They’re well dressed, I hear. And if you’re not home, they break in the back, if you are home, don’t open the door because they pull a gun! Continue reading

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Posted in A Giggle, Funny Animal Pictures, Funny Animals, Funny Pictures, Mommyhood | 1 Comment

Exhausted Sea Turtle

Funny Sea Turtle

I love sea turtles so much, next to dolphins, they were probably the ocean creature I was most excited about seeing at Sea World San Diego last week.

I’m being silly with this first picture, but here’s another one I took that I really love:

sea turtle

He’s sort of giving us a “low five” here, hee.

Bexon is in his last three days of Kindergarten, he “graduates” Kindergarten on Friday. I’m feeling sentimental, like he’s crossing some kind of finish line…

But of course, motherhood and parenting goes on right into the Summer and beyond. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. You’re never finished.

I went through my boy’s books this morning, trying to find the ones that are too “baby” for him and should be put away, so they’re not just cluttering up our shelves.

Some, I have no problem donating, or recycling when they’re too chewed or torn up to pass on, but many are filled with memories of holding him on my lap and reading from the youngest ages.

Books like “You Are My I Love You.” *sniff*

I’ll probably be a weepy mess by Friday. Also, we got some bad news… Continue reading

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Posted in A Giggle, Bexon, Cute Animals, Fumbling Towards Ecstacy, Funny Animal Pictures, Funny Animals, Mommy Mistake, Mommyhood | 2 Comments