Hey! I’m having a blast introducing you to some of my favorite funny people on Twitter.
Today it’s my friend Kelkulus, who’s originally from Canada, which partially explains why he’s so nice.
He currently has about 34,000 followers (wow) and they’re well deserved.
He’s clever, has great observational humor about what’s trending in the news and pop culture, and he’s got quite a gift for the turn of a comedic phrase.
Here, in no particular order, are some of my favorite of his tweets:
1.) “I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.”
2.) “Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.”
3.) “Just went on a long romantic walk with a girl I like. She almost saw me.”
4.) “I’m thrilled the iPhone 5 will be 18% thinner and 20% lighter. Carrying this fat, heavy, 140 gram iPhone 4S is just exhausting.”
5.) “Only in the fattest nation on earth would Subway, a company whose image is based on healthy eating, be sued over an inch of a sandwich.”
6.) “Whoever designed antidepressants so that it’s dangerous to mix them with alcohol sure knew f*cking loads about depressed people.”
7.) “I don’t say much during sex. My parents told me not to talk to strangers.”
8.) “Lord Gaga is going to return from the crusades one of these days and be pretty pissed at all the insane shit his wife has been up to.”
9.) “I wish there was a way I could call my ex-girlfriend’s boobs without getting the rest of her involved.”
10.) “Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.”
11.) “When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.”
12.) “Sex on a pull-out couch sucks. It’s uncomfortable, and despite the name, you can still get pregnant.”
13.) “My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.”
14.) “A ‘slut’ is just a sexually confident woman who sleeps with everyone but you.”
15.) “I think about sex every 3.14159265 seconds. I’m π-sexual.”
16.) “I’m a surprisingly good driver while high on LSD, I haven’t hit a single one of these dinosaurs.”
17.) “If a hipster falls in the woods, you’ve probably never heard of it.”
18.) “I’m starting to regret dumping Adele.”
19.) “No, I will not bring my pet snake to your gluten-free BBQ. My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.”
20.) “My friends are all worrying about the dangers of genetically modified foods. ‘You have nothing to worry about,’ said my broccoli.”
21.) “The thing that sucks the most about being bi-polar is how awesome it is!”
He’s hilarious. Many more funny people of Twitter to come soon, and you can follow Kelkulus by clicking here.