Schmoodles on Twitter

If I had to pick one woman out of all of the people who are on Twitter to follow, it would be Jessica @Schmoodles.

Jess is edgy, hilarious, witty, intelligent, self deprecating, a girl of the people, single with a cat, sassy and adorable. She’s sexy and she doesn’t suffer fools.

And like the best tweeters, even though she’s joking around much of the time, her humanity shines through. She sometimes tweets about struggles with depression, which I relate to and appreciate.

Here, in no particular order, are some of Jessica’s fun, clever and sometimes racy original tweets. (You know I like edgy humor):

1.)

“I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website.

- White.
– Good condition.
– Reliable.
– Cheap.
– Some evidence of rear end damage.”

2.)

“The word ‘phonetically’ doesn’t even start with an f.

Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us.”

3.)

“Math problem:

If you have 3 cats and you buy another 2 cats, how long before you die alone?”

4.)

“I have a VAGINA!

I also have a degree in applied mathematics from Cambridge University but men don’t seem to care about that shit.

VAGINA!”

5.)

“My favorite position is called ‘The Zombie’.

I just lie back and get eaten.”

6.)

“It’s strange that UFO sightings are less frequent now that we all carry HD video recording equipment with us 24/7.”

7.)

“Ever seen Cookie Monster’s feet?

No!

That’s diabetes for you.”

8.)

“Karen on Facebook changed her relationship status to…

“It’s complicated.”

No, Karen. String theory is complicated. You’re just a whore.”

9.)

“Tampon commercials should just be 30 second montages of women eating chocolate, and stabbing people.”

10.)

“We can land on Mars & skydive from space, but we still have to stir food halfway through microwaving it?

That’s some bullshit right there.”

11.)

“My sex life should be like the movies:

-Blow.
-A Few Good Men.
-Fast & Furious.

Unfortunately, it’s more like:

-Home Alone.
-Toy Story.”

12.)

“No one ever changed the world by being normal.”

13.)

“My grandma lived through German air-raids & food rationing.

I just fell off a bed & broke a £300 phone trying to take a photo of my vagina.”

14.)

“If my underwear gets any further up my ass it’s gonna have to buy me some jewelry.”

15.)

“I’m not a drunk slut. I just play one on the Internet.

Also:

-Weddings.
-Christmas parties.
-Most of high school.
-A funeral in 2008.”

16.)

“The first rule of Zombie Club is:

Try not to sprain your ankle.”

17.)

“Shortlist of titles for my autobiography…

-Hungry & Horny: The Life & Times Of A Cheese Loving Cat Lady-

-I Owe It All To The Butt Stuff-”

Thank you Jessica for letting me share your tweets! You can follow her on Twitter by clicking here: @Schmoodles

XOXO-

~ Heidi